All of Her: Chapter Seven

At a quarter to six, I am getting ready to meet up with Clark. I find I am doing little things to make myself look pretty. Things I haven't really done since David. I actually care what I wear to this dinner. I laugh at myself while I put on my white Manolo Blahnik Pepe open toed heels. I stop as I remember how David saved for months to buy them for me last Christmas. And, now that I'm thinking about it, Alice also received a pair, except in black.

Is it a curse? I keep remembering all these warning signs I should've recognized then. I'm pretty sure it is a curse that some angry God has put on me for not presenting the proper sacrifices. Or maybe it is my evil twin. Or I have multiple personalities that noticed all the signs and laughed maniacally while I kept running ahead like a blind dullard.

This has been going on for a long time. I have been fighting for David's affection whilst he was busy falling in love with my best friend. Ex best friend.

I miss that friendship. I miss her. I hate her. I hate her so much. I hate this. I hate her. I hate him. I hate, hate, hate. I think that's all I know how to feel, besides pain.

What did I ever do to her to deserve this? Did I fail her in some major way? Did I do something wrong to provoke this? For that matter, did I fail David? Was I not good enough in bed? Or a decent enough cook? What could I have possibly done wrong?

I find that I can't wear my shoes. In fact, I never want to see them again. I rip them off of my feet and shove them to the very back of the closet. Maybe I'll sell them on Ebay or something. For now I'm going to pretend they don't exist. I'm going to pretend that this whole situation is in my imagination. I'm not going to allow this terrible depression make me go flat like a flan in a cupboard.

I have a date. A date with a man who finds me attractive (and has proven so twice). A date that I should finish getting ready for.

Clark and I meet up at the restaurant at seven, like we agreed. He is dressed down, a bit of a shock to my system since I've only seen him naked or in a suit and tie. Thinking of him naked sends a wave of red across my face. I feel a little over dressed in comparison.

He is wearing dark blue jeans, a nice tee shirt and sandals. I ended up opting for a dressy pair of flip-flops, a black pencil skirt and a flowy blouse. He doesn't seem to mind, however. He smiles and I melt a little.

No. I am not allowed to do any melting. This is a fling. A scheme to have copious amounts of sex and relate to a break up song. Nothing more. I have to remember that.

He kisses my cheek and holds out his arm. I smile in response and slip my arm through his.

"I'm glad you were able to make it." He says, as we are escorted to our booth.

"Me too." I say. I smile, but I'm not sure what else to say. What does one say on a second date?

"Do you maybe want to go to a movie or something after this?" He asks.

"I don't think I want to see anything that is out right now. But a movie does sound nice. Have anything in particular in mind that we could possibly rent?"

"We don't have to rent, I have a rather large movie collection. Unless you want something particularly rare." He smiles and takes a sip of his Raki. He offers me a sip, but when it comes close to my nose my eyes start to well up. I'm thinking Raki isn't going to be my thing.

While I ponder what movie I might want to watch, we order. For myself, I order oven-baked trout with onions and tomatoes. As well as some dolma and tarator. My eyes may be a little too big for my stomach. Maybe.

Clark orders lamb. A cute little baby animal cooked and served with yogurt in some dish called Tavë kosi. Is that a good reason to use later to break up with him? Probably not. That seems a little shallow. Of course, maybe he thinks that trout are adorable little creatures and I'm a bad person for eating them. Another side to the coin, one might say.

I glance around after we order. I've never been to this particular restaurant before. I think it is pretty.

"What made you choose this restaurant?" I ask.

"Don't you like it?" He asks. He looks worried for a moment. I smile and brush the question off.

"I was just curious. I've never been to this particular restaurant before. I was wondering if you came here often."

He smiles and, visibly, relaxes. Its as if he was waiting for me to confirm something. Or maybe that is just me.

"I like this place quite a bit." He says. "When I was in college I used to come here to study. It has that cozy feel about it, I guess."

He shrugs then and takes another sip of his Raki. I wonder, briefly, if this second date is as awkward as it feels or if it is just me. Is he having trouble making conversation too? Or is it just me? Is it warm in here?

"Are you okay?" He asks. He looks rather concerned. Have I suddenly gone bright red?

"Yes," I say. "I'm a little warm. And awkward."

"Awkward?"

"I have a small confession," I say. I open my mouth to explain why I feel so awkward. I close it again as I suddenly feel a little paralyzed. I see David and Alice come into the restaurant. I can't breathe. Really, out of all the restaurants in this town, they had to pick this one?

"What is it, Abra?"

"I have to go to the bathroom." I quickly stand up and attempt to look like I'm not fleeing. Which, I actually am.

"Wait, Abra," I turn just in time to see him stand up, his napkin clutched in one hand and his other reaching out as if he was trying to catch me. It is movie perfect, really. The girl running away and the boy reaching out to rescue her, but he doesn't catch her.

I reach the bathroom, only to discover that it is currently occupied. Stupid one room bathrooms! I did a dance that vaguely looks like an "I need to pee" dance. Its not that though. I'm afraid that Alice is going to have to "powder" her nose. When we were younger we always said that upon entering a restaurant. We'd giggle and grab each other's hands, run to the bathroom and sit on the counter for a few minutes doing our make-up and laughing.

We kissed once. Alice and I. We had gone to "powder" our noses, like so many other times before. It was a beautiful little bathroom in a tiny, out of the way, kind of Italian restaurant on Main street. The Beautiful Life, it said in fancy script above the tiny divan. We pretended we were fancy ladies attending a party, sitting on the divan and play acting. Moving through our rituals of make-up and laughter.

I'm not sure how we ended up kissing, it was such a strange moment. We were talking and then we weren't. We suddenly went very quiet, as if we were going to be overheard. And then, just as suddenly, we kissed. Our lips softly pressed together, a crimson blush staining both of our cheeks, our eyes closed. We stayed in that pose for a moment and then we never did it again. We never spoke of it, never mentioned it. It was as if we were ashamed of it.

Finally, after what just felt like an eternity of nostalgic reminiscing, the door to the bathroom opens and I practically knock the woman exiting out of the way. I don't slam the door. On purpose, anyway. I'm sure Clark is dying of embarrassment, I've made such a scene. I can't help it. I may lose all my self-respect if I break down out there now.

Who am I kidding? Since when do I have any self-respect?

I hear a knock at the door. I stay quiet a moment. The handle jiggles, I locked it. There is a knock again and a voice.

"Is someone in there?"

That's Alice now. I knew it wouldn't be long. Oh, but I've just trapped myself in here. There isn't a window out and I am going to have to go past her to get back to my seat. Shit.

"Just a minute." I try to disguise my voice a little. Not that it matters, because she is going to see me in a moment. Why bother?

Maybe I can use this to my advantage? I am with Clark, after all. I can act like I'm fine. Maybe make David a little jealous in the process. Doubtful, but worth a try anyway.

Shoulders back, Abra. You are brave, you are strong. You can do this. Right?

I take a deep breath as I open the door. Alice is looking down at her phone. She looks up at me, the smile fading so fast it might as well not have been there.

"Oh, hello, Alice! How are you?" I say, grinning like an idiot, I'm sure.

"A-a-abra?" I've never known her to stutter. She is blushing too, probably remembering my boobs right now. Or our long forgotten kiss.

"Coming to powder your nose, I see. The mirror is perfect for that." I hold the door open and gesture for her to enter. When we were friends I would've joined her, even though it is only a one room bathroom. She stares at me. You'd think I'd grown another head or something the way she is staring.

"Aren't you going in?" I say. She nods, her mouth a little agape. Once she has her back turned, I release the door and nonchalantly go back to my sit.

"What the hell is going on?" Clark whispers vehemently.

"Nothing." I say, sitting quietly and smiling at the waiter as he delivers our food.

"That sure didn't look like nothing, darling. What is going on?" He is upset and its my fault. I shouldn't act like this. I should know better.

"I'll explain later, I promise. Just not here and not now. Trust me?" I keep my smile pasted on my face. I look ridiculous. All of this is fucking ridiculous, but I'm not the one who decided to betray my fiance or my best friend.

Dinner is very quiet. Every now and then I glance over at David and Alice. They don't even notice me. They are canoodling, like they were that day on the beach. When they broke my heart. Clark watches me watching them. He begins to look like he understands. I don't think he likes what he is understanding.

I don't have the bravery to pretend, like I thought I would back when I was in the bathroom. I can't use Clark like that. It doesn't matter anyway, its not like they are even paying attention. They are too wrapped up in each other. It must be so nice, not having to hide their love anymore. Being able to meet in the open and not worry about me finding out.

Clark pays for dinner and we are silent as we walk to his car. The smells of downtown linger in my nose and the lights in the trees twinkle. I think about how perfect this setting is for making out. Just standing on the sidewalk, our bodies pressed close and our lips the only things moving.

"Explain." He says, interrupting my thoughts.

"I don't want to."

He grabs my shoulders and I find my back pressed against the side of his car. I am both aroused and unnerved.

"I like you, Abra. I really do. I would like to see you often. I'd even enjoy being your boyfriend, but this is not the way to start a relationship. I can't even be your friend if you won't tell me what is going on."

"I don't even know where to start." I say, trying to shake him off.

"Start somewhere and we'll piece it together. Please. I'm not just feeding you a line when I say that I want to be your boyfriend. I'm not just saying shit to get with you again. I enjoyed our time together and I'd like it to continue. I just can't do it if I don't understand what's going on. What happened in the restaurant?"

"I saw my ex." I say, simply.

"Okay. I've had bad break-ups. Why didn't you just ask if we could leave? I wouldn't have cared. We could've gone to any other restaurant."

"I don't know. I freeze when I see him. When I see who he is with. We were together ten years, Clark. We were getting married. He left me at the altar. He left me for my best friend and I just don't know how to deal with it. He was it. My all, my only lover, the only person I could ever see myself with. You're the only other person I've been with.

"I was going to tell you that I felt awkward because I'd never dated anyone else. And what David and I had can't be called 'dates' in the technical sense. We've just always been together. But I looked up and he and my ex-best friend walked in and all I could think was escape. It doesn't matter though, I missed my opportunity for a clean get away. I'm sorry for that. I kind of fucked everything up."

He stares at me for a moment, his grip on my shoulders loosens. I feel something cold running down my cheek. I don't have to touch it to know that its a tear and that I've started crying. Again. Then, I am encompassed in his arms, my face buried in his chest and his hand entangled in my hair. He holds me like that for several minutes. I don't mind. I like being close to him.

"Let's go back to my place and have a few drinks. We can watch a movie, like we were talking about earlier." He says. I nod and wipe a few stray tears from my face as I pull away.

He kisses me. It is amazing how gorgeous the world becomes when you are being kissed by someone who knows what they are doing. When he stops, I almost beg him not to. I'd much rather stand here and kiss him. I would much rather have this feeling stay, rather than being reminded of all the terrible feelings I've had of late.

He holds me close again.

"Be my girlfriend, Abra. Let me make you happy." He whispers. I pull back and look at him. He is so serious right now. I smile and nod. I don't know if he can make me happy, but I want to be with him. At least for now.

When we go back to his place, we snuggle up on the couch and watch a Cary Grant movie. I think I could fall in love with Clark, if only I wasn't so determined not to. Maybe I can change my mind. Maybe I can pretend that my heart has never been torn out of my chest. I can pretend it is still there. I could. But I don't know if I want to.

For now, I am content to just be his girlfriend.