Showing posts with label january. Show all posts
Showing posts with label january. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The house is not for sale

There was a loud banging downstairs, like one of the children had climbed out of bed and was pounding on pots and pans. Jesse rolled over, groaning, and nudged his wife.

"Hmm..." she mumbled, rolling away from him. He rubbed his eyes and propped himself up on an elbow. The sun was streaming through the bay window of their bedroom, the smell of sea salt, ever present in their coastal Maine home, drifted past him and the banging seemed to increase.

"Honey," he murmured, leaning over and kissing her earlobe. She smiled, bumping her body into his and curling up further into the blankets. Smiling, he kissed her again and threw his legs over the edge of the bed.

His fuzzy slippers seemed to have disappeared and he swung himself, precariously, over the edge to glance under the bed. Oddly, there was no cat under the bed, her usual play place completely abandoned, and there were no slippers. Lifting himself back onto the bed, he glanced at the clock. It was only seven, the kids usually didn't wake up until nine or so. For a moment he considered flopping back onto the bed and just let the children do as they would, but the banging grew louder and there was no way he would go back to sleep now.

He yawned and stretched, scratching at himself a bit as he shuffled to the bathroom. A quick glance in the mirror showed him that he was in desperate need of a shave. Not that Abby minded his five o'clock shadow. He splashed some water on his face and thrust his fingers through the tangle of his brown hair. It was too early for the day to start like this, he thought, being careful to watch for toys on the stairs.

Everything became very quiet as he reached the second to last step. He half expected to hear little voices whispering, giggles or something, coming from the kitchen. Rounding a corner, he saw that the kitchen was empty and strangely clean. It wasn't that his wife kept a messy house, but with five children it was hard to keep things spotless. Except, the kitchen looked pristine, almost sterile. Had Abby stayed up all night cleaning?

He swung open the refrigerator door, expecting to grab a carton of milk, and gaped in shock. The fridge was not only barren, but it was not plugged in either. Cocking his head to the side, he closed the door, counted to ten and opened it again. It was still empty. He jumped when he heard the banging again. It sounded like it was coming from outside, but when he glanced out the window he didn't see anything.

He walked down the carpeted hallway toward the children's rooms, a feeling he couldn't quite explain settling in his bones, his feet no longer shuffling. He opened the door to Jack's room, expecting to bump into one of his son's elaborately laid out train tracks, but the room was bare. The walls, once painted with train cars, were white-washed and the furniture was gone. For a moment, all he could do was stare in horror, then he stumbled out and practically flew to the other children's rooms.

All five rooms stood barren, all the furniture gone and all the walls painted over. There were no children, no toys, no cat, no slippers, no food. Nothing. Reeling, Jesse slumped against the door frame, unable to process what was happening. Then, with a jolt, he ran toward the living room. The banging sound had returned, always just out of sight and, with it, he began to hear voices. Almost colliding with a built in shelf, he slid across the wooden floor and into the living room. A few pieces of furniture were covered with sheets and the door was wide open. He ran to the door and leaned out, glancing all around. At the end of the drive way he could see men, in paint splattered moving uniforms, loading furniture into a truck marked "Happy Harry's Moving and Painting."

"Hey!" he cried, waving his arms at the men. "Hey! You can't do that! Stop!"

The men seemed oblivious, continuing to move the furniture into the truck. Jesse tried to dash at them, but made it two steps off the porch before he felt something stop him. He punched at the invisible barrier, screaming at the moving men. He beat his fists against the air, ranting, tears streaming down his cheeks. Having heard the commotion, Abby came up behind him, her bathrobe wrapped about her and her face very pale.

"Jesse," she said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What's going on? Who are those men?"

"I don't know," he shouted, not turning to look at his wife, still pounding against the barricade.

"Honey, stop, please!" she cried, hugging him from behind. Leaning against the unseen wall, he sighed.

Gently, he undid her hold on him and turned so that he could hug her. They held each other for a moment, before they walked back into the house. What furniture was left in the living room was covered in white sheets, presumably to protect them from the painting that was going on. The wallpaper had been stripped from the walls and everything had been painted a shimmering shade of white. All the pictures were gone, all the cabinets empty. They sat across from each other on the kitchen floor, facing each other, but not looking at each other.

"I don't understand what's happening." said Abby, tears streaming down her face. She had pulled her knees up to her chest, something she hadn't done since she was a teenager. She kept imagining the faces of her children as they played on the beach, their faces shining in the sunlight.

They could hear the men working, coming in and out, shuffling the furniture. The smell of paint hung in the air, fighting with the clean smell of the sea. Slowly, the house became empty, as empty as the day they bought it. The men talked as they moved the furniture, laughing or arguing, it was hard to tell which.

"Do you remember when we bought this place?" asked Jesse, looking intently at an oaken cabinet door.

"I remember." replied Abby, a small smile escaping. "You danced with me, twirling me across the wooden floor and you even dipped me."

"You were pregnant with Kait, at the time. I wanted to make you happy."

She was quiet for a moment, reveling in memories, before looking at her husband, tears shimmering on her lashes.

"I've always been happy with you." she said. He motioned for her and she scooted across the floor to him, curling up in his arms. He stroked her hair, in a soothing way, holding her closely.

"What happened here, Max?" asked a voice.

"Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Took the whole family." replied a voice.

The ghosts sat on the floor, not talking, listening to the sounds of their world collapsing.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I don't know what to say to you. I don't know where to begin or to end. Where do I even start? The beginning or the end?

Auntie says that I should forget you. That I am better off without you in my life. She says that you have done many horrible things, many awful things. She says I am better off without you. Maybe she is right.

My friends say that I should forget you. That I am better off without you in my life. That you are a druggie, a criminal. You are never going to change and what closure am I going to gain? What answer will I receive? Will reaching you give me any sense of peace? Will finding you give me any sense of closure? Or will it just bring me down further?

Am I using closure as a crutch, Dad? Do I need it to live? To move on?

Why do I even care anymore? Why do I bother? If you wanted to contact me you would, wouldn't you? You know where Auntie is, you could write her and ask her for my information. You could try. Does it mean that you don't care since you never ask about me? Or do you ask about me and she doesn't mention it because she is tired of me putting myself through all this?

Its my fault that you don't write anymore. That you haven't written in ten years. Nobody really knows that but me, so it is understandable that they can't comprehend why I try so hard to find you. And I need your forgiveness, Dad. I can live without the closure. I can live with you not caring about me anymore. But I need you to forgive me.

Forgive that thirteen year old girl who was trying desperately to recover from the loss of her grandmother. Forgive her for being hateful. Pardon her for hating you, at the time. She blamed you for Memere's death. But she was also hurting from promises that were broken as they were made. Forgive her for sending that hateful letter, so many years ago, saying she never wanted to talk to you again, because it was all your fault. Forgive her for falling prey to those horrible feelings building up in her chest.

Forgive me, Dad.

If I don't try to get your forgiveness, if I don't try to say I'm sorry, if I fail, I will never forgive myself. I can't live with myself, knowing that its my fault and that I didn't tell you I was sorry. Because I am sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry.

I miss you. I love you. I hate you. I wish you would give me some sign of something! Anything, really. I just want to know that sometimes you wonder about me. I just want to know that you can forgive my stupidity, that you still love me. Or feel some kind of emotion towards me.

And is that wrong? Is it wrong that I want this from you? I might receive some kind of closure, knowing I made the attempt. I tried. I worked hard, trying to fix it. Knowing it may never be fixed.

I've tried to cut you out of me. I've tried to drink you away. I've tried to lose you somewhere in my memories, far from me. I've tried everything I can think of to relieve this horrific guilt I feel for everything. I've been self-destructive and tried to rebuild. I've done things I'm not proud of, things I long to go back to, but I can't let myself. But in the end, you are a part of me.

You are in my smile, in my laugh. You are in my bloodstream, you are a part of me that I can never get rid of. No matter how hard I try. You are wired into me, just like our shared DNA. We are intrinsically entwined.

What do I do? Do I try to fix this? Do I let it go? Could I let it go?

Are you a crutch? Is this just a shameless cry for sympathy and attention?

I need some sort of resolution. What resolution do I expect? It has been ten years. Ten years and I can't forgive myself, or you. I can't let it go and I can't make it right.

So where does this leave us?

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Pineapple soda

She says I need to let it go. There is no closure, no resolution. There is only pain.
And why do I put myself through such hideous agony?

Its because when I miss you I want pineapple soda.
Its because when I think about you my chest tightens.
Its because when I try to forget you, I know that I never can.

He says I need to stop torturing myself with memories. They lead no where.
The past is past. Why do I still let these things linger?

Its because when I miss you I listen to that song on repeat.
Its because when I think about you I lose track of time and tears.
Its because when I try to forgive you, I find I am the one in need of forgiveness.

They say I need to let it go. They say I need to let the past be past. Bi-gone eras be
bi-gone eras. Let everything remain a memory and lock it with the silver key of forgetting.

But I can't forget that you are now somebody that I used to know.
Somebody that I used to love, once upon a time.
And, when I miss you, I want pineapple soda.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Cold Nights

   Cascading light, shivering cold,
snow falling through the barren trees.
Sometimes I just feel so old,
as if many years have gone and I've just been told.
Snowflakes flutter and fall on the breeze.
   Night falls, the moon casts
silver shadows on the crisp, white,
snow. From the window, the trees look like masts
on imaginary ships. Sleep comes like cats
tiptoeing through the bright, cold, night.
   A secret hideaway, hidden in the snow,
only footprints show the way to our place.
No one can tell, because they don't know,
we won't say, our sleds in tow.
By the fence, tucked away, that's our space.
   Silver leaves still hang from the old,
crestfallen trees. A time for everything,
summer is so very hot, winter is so very cold,
spring is flowers, autumn leaves of gold.
Their beauty and grace makes the whole world sing.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Broken Rivers

My tears flow like the river.
They fill a muddy bank and dwell
    within its murky boundaries.
My soul has become the forgotten
    turns of the river.

Broken rivers, hear my cry.
You follow the shattered bones
    of my people as we move down
    to the depths of crushed dreams.
My heart has become a bloody tie
    to a forgotten people.

Endless, clear water rise to
    greet the weary feet of a
    weary nation.
My downtrodden spirit weeps
    at the touch of your cool
    waters.

My soul has become the forgotten
    turns of a broken river.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sweetest Phantom

To HAL: RIP 1979-2008

Stand beside these withered dreams,
The unseen shadows hold me tight.
Guiding me through this darkened sleep,
pass by the splintered heart as it silently beats.

Sweetest smile, drips with blood,
lips stained from a violent kiss. His mouth
is warm, her lips are cold. Two entwined,
death lies between their arms.

A splintered kiss upon my bleeding lips,
left by the ghost, the phantom of my
never-ending abyss. My muse, my
lost friend, touch my soul with poetry.

Take my hand, held safe, as I walk this
Destroyed path. These stones are broken,
They weep as we pass. Curse the moon
That it should leave us silhouetted and alone.

I know that you are there, I feel you
Breathe, kiss me and never fade. Sweet,
Sweeter than any dream, I am afraid
Don’t leave.

A paradox, frightened of the dark I cling to
its sleeve. I cannot let go of what I have
lost. Constant, you stay upon my mind,
within these wicked dreams, by my side.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

September's Tarantella

 Turn out the light and follow me into
the everlasting black of night. Devoid of moon,
devoid of stars, all light faded into the bleak
darkness of our wicked hearts.
  Court me in the dark, let us drink from
the cup of shared poison for I am parched.
Devour me, heart and soul. Covet me, break
me and make me whole.
  Cordially, you kiss my hand. Violently, you take
all that is within me. God, that I were a
dark angel so that I might give you immortality.
Give you wings so that we might fly.
  Turn out the light and let us break our
silence. There is a rare beauty in the
breaking. Take my pen to parchment and I
will write of the wickedness of this starless night.
  For angels burn and mortals fail, demons love
and the stars fade into the darkest hell. And you
and I are lovers twain, starcrossed and ghosts in
this vicious reality.
  Dearest Soul, all are blind. None can see,
none can find. Gripped in a precious
love that Dante ne'er could define and
all is black and white in your mind.
  So, come down moon, die fair sun.
You and I will dance 'til dawn be a
dying world's last tearful goodbye.
And dying worlds cease to die.
  Let all that is chaotic and lovely
chase all our knowledge away and
cleanse our souls for the brand
newest of days.
  For never did I cry for tomorrows to
come, but for todays which will die. Let all
that is known be erased and we will begin again
in a different space.
  No heaven, no hell. No blue ocean or bloody
red. And emptiness reigns where love knows no
bounds. And blood-fire lilies and ivory rose of old
are burnt 'neath the frozen hearts of the dead.
  No mirror to see in,no bones to break.
Let all that we once loved tremble and quake.
And all will now fade, forgotten by some, loved by
a precious one and remembered by none.

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Forgotten World's Last Goodbye

To die such a beautiful death and to have never lived,
what a way to end it all. I have never felt such power
as when the knife lies bloody at my side. Could it be
that love is a broken china doll? God a figment or my
imagination?

No, that can't be right. Love a china doll? God a figment
of a twisted mind's deadly imagination? No, not that.
Truth is a tiger's breath, rancid with the smell of death,
dripping with the poison of living a lie. Love is not a
reality, but a child's dream that lies forgotten in a corner
after much time.

Whoever said love existed, must have been trying to
make the world a happier place, change the frown on the
face of the human race. Well, love does not heal, it kills
and it fades and it lies by to ensnare me. Love is a grave,
deep and hollow, waiting for a bride to fall into it's muddy
arms, and fill the space that was so long empty.

So let all that is broken and bleeding flow to the sea, entrapt
in a watery tomb and forgotten by a world that no longer
feels. I will remain, drowned and held beneath bloody waves
of love. No man shall see me, lest he be dead and drowning
like me. And we will be a forgotten world's last goodbye, a
goodbye to all the hypocrisy and lies.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Insanity

You tore my heart out, crushed it right in front of my face. How can all this be my fault? You were the one who said it would be okay. Now you say that I have to go and you get off free and clear. Well, I don't want it to be like this. What kind of truth is this? That you loved me, now you don't? And then you give me a broken kiss to make up for all the pain that you've caused. As if that will heal the wounds, and erase the scars.
Okay, so now you are gone and its been only a few weeks. And I cry every night to keep from those terrible dreams. I've never felt such pain, such agony in my soul. Without you everything is empty and nothing is whole. All I have ever longed for was a true love, one that would heal what was broken, love me as I am.
All that you offer me is a slow, pain filled death. One that would know no joy filled moment, not one loving gaze or one special kiss. And I would give up everything for that! I would be willing to die for you, die that slow painful death and never enjoy those moments, just so that I could claim that you loved me again.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I am who I am

I am quiet. I am loud. I am scared and I am courageous. I
am of the best and worst parts of Marilyn Monroe and
Edgar Allan Poe. I am dying from the human condition. But
I'm not dead yet! I have a soul and a mind. I am filled
with pains and joys. Loves and hates. I am destined to be
tragic. But that doesn't mean I can't be amazing while I'm
here. I have a heart and an imagination. I am of the Earth
and people of the Earth. I am made of music and dancing.
Light and darkness. I am a contradiction. But that doesn't
mean that I can't be one or the other. I have loved and
been loved.

I have lived a thousand years in 19. I have seen all there
might be to see that is evil in this world. But I'm
hanging on for the beauty. I love guns. I hate violence. I
love poetry and I hate prejudice. I am of poetry and clear
dark oceans that drag you down to the depths of satin
waves. I have seen the stars through a child's eyes. I
have lived in my skin. And I have known what it was like to
be loved. I dream. And I live for the future as I gaze back to my past.

I have been hurt, abused, abandoned and used. But I am not
broken. I may be bruised from life's many hardships, but
my soul remains unbroken by it. I am invisible and
apparent. I can sing and scream and dance. I have thoughts
and ideas. I am not just a body, but a soul unchained within a
mortal frame. I will never be perfection. I never
claim to be brillant or beautiful. But each of us is
beautiful in our own way. I am wrong sometimes. And right
other times. I have hopes and wants and desires.

I am of the wind, restless and powerful. Just look into my
eyes. I am made of the best parts of light and darkness.
Within them I am completely safe. I am alive and live
is what I intend to do with my life. I am of ice and fire.
A dangerous and chaotic marriage of the two. I can be
hateful, selfish and impatient. I can also be loving, tender
and sweet. I bear the scars of life proudly.
They are a part of me and always will be. I'm strange and
wild. Calm and sometimes wise. I can show you worlds you
didn't know existed. All you have to do is open your eyes!

I am violent and gentle. A strange mixture of course.  I
am intelligent and dumb. I am of the ocean, lightning and
thunder. I am of the wind, the sun and moon, stars and
clouds. I am of the atmosphere that surrounds us. Embraced
by what can not be seen. Drowning, I have stood in the
light of a new born sun. Breathless, I have stood in the
courts of the moon and her lovers. I have seen the future
and I have known the past. I live for today. I am
outspoken and stubborn. Opinionated and sometimes
rebellious.

And I am patiently waiting for whomever can love me for
all these things and more.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Chaos Rising

  You pour burning flowers down my throat,
Cast another lily on the fire. O that I had
Spoken sooner, caught your tongue like
A cat.
  I had no idea that you would call, or that
Fire could be so cold. I hate that about you
Every flower you put on doesn't burn, only
Freezes my heart.
  Do you know a riddle? Hit the nail on the
Head, carry the old woman to bed. Break
Me down, build me up, put another rose
On the fire.
  Burn me down, burn me up. Kiss me with
Kisses that sear, lips that chill me to the bone.
Haunt my soul with those burnt flowers, let the
Ghosts of all that has passed, touch me.
  I am not afraid of death, only of life that
Is so very unfair. Come, teach me Plato,
Teach me Shakespeare. Show me words
That can express the soul.
  Define God to me, even though He cannot
Be defined. Define love in words that don't
Exist. Burn another flower on the cross
That you love, then cast me on as well.
  Collapsed and broken, like the flowers you
Have burned. Am I bruised? Am I burnt up?
Do you still see me? Or have I faded like
Those unfortunate orchids?
  Love me or hate me, kiss me or hit me. Don’t
Let’s stand here in this putrid silence. White
And black photos scattered on the floor,
Those photos burn as well.
  So let’s forget this whole matter, burn the
Flowers and pour them on my coffin. Let
Them bury me in the sea of simplicity. I
Care not for anything here.
  So cast the marigold on the fire, let the
Beautiful flames fly up and let them cause
Everything else to fade away. I will remain
Hidden and open, buried by a flowery flame.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Strange (Jan. 28th 2008)

Its strange how things turn out,
life turned up side down, can't
seem to make it straight.

Don't laugh at me as I lie here
on the cold floor. You aren't
perfection personified.

I have turned things over and over
trying to make sense of nonsensical
motives you seem to press upon me.

We are one; a splintered glass
heart that no glue can fix. We are two;
broken and forgotten we fade.

Fate is a tragic thing, just as splintered
as our torn hearts. Once again you
laugh, but don't, you aren't pure either.

Like caged animals we scream,
scratching and tearing each other
down to nothing.

You say this is just teen angst.
Its not, this is a moment we will
never retrieve again.

Broken we will sit upon this floor.
Touching, palm to palm, pressed
against the cracked wall.

Just as Titanic sank to the depths,
we will fade into the bottomless
ocean's arms.

Don't laugh at me as I lie here
on the cold floor. You aren't
perfection personified.