State of Rampant Regret & Superfluous Earthquaking Shivers

You unnerve me.
You make me question myself.
You make me feel like I'm on a roller coaster,
            careening into the Grand Canyon,
            about to fall off of the tracks.

I am over-analyzing your words;
actions, phrasing, tone.

Its not that I miss the 'us' that we were once,
its not that I miss your kiss,
its not that I want you back in my life.
            The hell am I doing?
            The fuck are you doing to me?

Now we are strangers.
And I over-think you.

I remember when you were all I dreamed about.
A vampire that I brought to stunning life,
a whisper in the shadows of my fucked up mind.
            I loved you, for some reason.
            Reasons I try not to remember, or can't remember.

La Douleur Exquise

I shouldn't let you break my heart.

Looking through old pictures, my heart always skips a beat.
It does a funny little flop in my chest,
like a fish out of water,
like a bird hitting a window,
like all those silly cliches we play with in school.

I shouldn't let myself feel this way about you.

What I tell my heart and what I feel are two different things.
It has always been this way,
I fall for you,
You let me fall,
I hit the ground with a sickening thud; bone crunch.

I shouldn't hold on to you, when its clear what you feel.

Have to laugh sometimes, or else I'd cry.
All I have are memories,
Long forgotten "I love you,"
Teenaged wishes,
A few glasses of gin and tonic in Seattle.

In the end, I'm a stupid girl for chasing dreams.

What a stupid heart, to keep longing for you like it does.
I should've let you go quietly,
drift into the memory landscape,
fade into distant dreaming,
instead you're lingering around the edges, a ghost without being dead.

I know what I should do, doesn't mean I can convince myself to do it.

Aren't you tired of me always falling for you?
Is there any way to break me of your habit?
If I keep breaking my heart on your skin,
If I keep drifting on your oceans,
If I keep dreaming of your lullaby heart beating?

Help me. Put me out of my misery.

Give me something to cut my teeth on.
Maybe if I taste your bittersweet, I'll let you go.
We both know I have no self-control.
I have no shame, except when I do.
I have no belief, except when I dream.
Fuck. Can't you remove yourself in a way that will heal?