To T.A.B.

  No, I didn't want to marry him. I just loved him with so much of me that nothing is left to give anyone else. I love him more than I can explain, but I hate what he's become. And I knew that we would never be together. I feel sad because I lost him and I don't even know why I lost him.
  And I keep trying to convince myself that I don't love him and that I'm okay, that I'm fine and that I've moved on. But the truth is hidden inside that I still love him. And I didn't want to let him go, and I should've said something to him. Should've told him the truth behind the tears that continuously fill my eyes.
  That I love him and he took to much of me. I will never be whole, even though I know it will never be. I just want him to know that I still care. I love him and I'll always care. I want you to know that I love you and that I want  you back. Its not meant to be, but I've spoken my truth.

The Sky of Black Stars

  I see beauty in the colour black. We are segregated into colours. We are a rainbow of imagination and lives. Black and white, what's the difference? Aren't we all the same inside? Why are we separated and interrogated? Separated by a spectrum of colourful hate in-between.
  I see beauty in the colour black. Who am I? I am judged by my size, shape and my colour. Do you know who I am? Can you see my personality by the colour of my hair? Do you know my history by the colour of my eyes? Do you understand my pain by my face and colour of my skin?
  I see beauty in the colour black. An ocean inside that gathers tears from the clouded mind. If I say I'm here and I'm not, can you see me? No. I'm invisible to your eyes because you will only see me for my skin. So, do you know me? Do you recognize me? You never will see.
  I see beauty in the colour black. I am what you see. I see beauty in the colour black. I hide in the dark. To you all I will ever be is darkness. I see beauty in the colour black.

Skulls and Roses

  In amongst the skulls and roses,
lie dreams, broken and destitute.
The autumn leaves, golden in hue,
scatter over the skulls and roses.
  Gently does the dew cover the
leaves as tears for broken dreams.
Touching deep within the blood of
the skulls and roses.

Nonsense

  The angry tears fall like rain,
you've left after using me again.
  Tore my heart out if its shell,
leaving me unprotected and unwell.
  Caressed my soul with deadly fingers,
the affects of which still hover and linger.
  My stomach churns and burns
at memories of you, but the soul yearns.
  Yearns for your touch to release me,
cries for you wicked love to set my soul free.
  Your freedom kills, yet my desire
burns for the feel, lighting me afire.
  The angry tears fall like rain,
you've left after using me again.

Medea

Suffice to say I am vengeful,
crying ceaselessly,
oppressed and hateful.
Righteous indignation,
never peaceful. Scorn.

Broken Blood

Walls made of bone, of blood,
made to entangle souls in flood.
Of dark, of death, of night.

Desperate cries in the dark,
hysterical, yearning and stark.
Help never comes, no beat of the heart.

Mangled bodies, bloodily hewn,
struck asunder by an unseen doom.
Chest gaping, revealing a broken heart.

Broken blood runs aside,
never a happy place to hide.
Deep is the wound, harsh is the knife.

Deep inside an earthen tomb,
hidden as in the womb.
The dark will silence the blood.

The Hands

  The hands reach up to the bloody moon,
her wicked smile stretched wide across the sky.
  The hands hold up the bridge,
built of bones and deserted bodies.
  The hands cry out, trying to grasp
something worth the touching.
  The hands reach up to the bloody moon,
murdered by her own sins.

Sweet

  Taking my hand, pledge your love.
Caress me with fingers soaked in blood.

Ranting

  I will not sit under the teaching of lawless men any
longer. I will not listen to their lies. They are blind
and deaf to my pain, I will be blind and deaf to their
words. They will perish and I with them, but I
will not listen to any more wrong words and lying
tongues.
  If men can lie, and speak with a forked tongue,
then I will speak truth with the soft words of a
dove. I will not be betrayed again by man. I
will no longer listen to him, he doesn't know any-
thing, nor does he speak truth. I will not listen to
imperfection, but will be perfect in my own imperfection.
  They are wrong and I will not listen to wrong any
longer. They are liars and abusers, I will not let them
use me again. They can speak all they want, they are
only blowing air, smoke and wisps of mist. They do
not know how to speak with a gentle thought or a
gentle mind. No man is gentle.

An Enigma

  I am fire and ice, wind and ocean, light and dark. I am indescribable, an entity worth the knowing. Filled to the very soul with pain and shadows. Sheltered within a deeper shade of death, swathed with quilts of blue torment and crimson oceans of sorrow. I am captive and free, imprisoned by chains of flesh and blood. I remain bound to the earth, but unchained to the atmosphere I float upward.
  I am hot and enticing, filled with a heat and a pain. I am open and willful, quiet and loud. Dance about the flames that engulf me, try to hold my intensity in place. I cannot be held, cannot be touched. Devastation and destruction stand at my elbow, waiting to bring me to the ash of oblivion. No man may carry me to his heart, nor carry me to his may not touch me without being burned. To love me is to be in pain.
  I am frozen inside, afraid of being shattered by pain. I am cast in frigid silence, drowning within gentle waves of ice. I am cold and distant to all who try to get close. Buried alive, trapped within a mirage of happiness. I am wind, frantic to find a quiet place to hide, alone I cry. No man may know me, no arms may hold me. Bitter and alone. I am filled with the bones of men, their dying breath swallowed beneath my salty tears and broken heart. Those I love I kill and bring dead to my arms.
  I am light, bright and unstained by darker side of me. Drowning out all the pain, I cannot see it and it may not touch me. I am free of it. I am deep blackness that no man may hold. I wander alone, forsaken and abused by myself. Separated and held closely together by a pain you cannot see. Nor can you see you me, unless broken and stained by the flood of light.
  Take my heart; take all of my soul, cradle it closely and never let it break. Lend me your heart; let me cherish you close to my heart and mind. Let me care for you and you care for me. Take me as yours, only yours forever. Lead me out of this insanity to which I have been wed so long. Love me with everything that you have and promise not to let me fall away from you.
  Collapsed within myself, take hold of me. Dance unto me with leaves of darkest living green. Love me for me and only me. Take all of me, pain and weakness, strength and will. Sing me down to the depths and I will die in your arms.Loved for a moment, touched for an eternity and utterly alone.

Silent

  Darkness is what I am, all I'll ever be.
There is no beauty, how can there be beauty in
a corpse? A corpse, blind and forgotten is
all I am. I am deaf, I no longer hear them.
  I'm perfect in my death, fate is beautiful.
Emptiness and pain are the only peace that
exists in this putrid shadow. A shadow is
all I am, frozen and burned alive.
  I'm torn, broken and abused. No beauty
exists in this soul. No love. I love none
and none love me. I trust none and none
trust me.
  A foul figment, a fragment of a shattered
reality is all I'll ever be. Death is perfection,
death is love. No soul is in this shell, no
spirit remains. Leave me alone.
  Don't touch me, you will only break what is
left of me. Alone I can breathe, die peacefully,
undisturbed. Just leave me be, don't try
to reach me.
  How can there be any beauty in a corpse? Any
truth in a lie? Beauty and truth do not exist.
Death is all, all consuming and quiet.
Silent.

Beautiful Poison

  I fall into the amber waves of an ebony bottle
a sweeter poison no man knows. A harsher
caress cannot be found. A velvety death and
a terrible life. Ah, but Love's poison is such a
beautiful way to die.

Swiftly comes the Rain

Beauty, but fleeting
Time, but ending. Swiftly comes
    the rain.

Broken heart beating.
Still chests breathing. Swiftly comes
    the rain.

Empty souls crying.
Weary feet retiring. Swiftly comes
    the rain.

Pain neverending,
blood endless flowing. Swiftly comes
    the rain.

Beauty now fleeing,
time now ending. Swiftly comes
    the rain.

Winds of October

  Dance on a violent breeze,
rage upon the waves of my spirit.
Caress my skin with heated fingers,
touch my heart with a tender kiss.
Rock me with strength untold,
cause me to tremble as a leaf
in a desperate wind.
  Roll over me like thunder,
pierce my very soul as lightning.
Wash over my body like a
summer's rain. Let me move with you,
singing in one voice as unto violins.
Breathe unto me gentility and wonder.
Show me all I've never known.
  Bring me into this new world by
sweet kisses and strong arms.
Create within me a new agony, sweet
and desirous. Something I long for every
moment. Distract my mind, drink
unto me thy lips and whole being.
Let me surrender unto thy sweet love.
  Teach me passion and grace,
let me stray not to any other. Break
me down and build me up, so that I may
meet you in peace and soft whispers,
let me to the torrent of love be drawn.
Show me how to be everything that will please
you. Shake me to my foundations.

Ghosts

  The dying embers of a fading sun
glow in the tangible reality of life. A serene
look at death's oncoming darkness.
Surround and taunt the starving
souls.
  Crimson stains the glowing sky, the
silver moon drenched with the blood of
a murdered sun. Colliding shadows trip
over silent stones. A blanket of frigid
ice cloaks the quiet deaths.
  Ebony silence, bright cold capture
innocence in a web. Tears of a broken
star caress the emptiness. I stand
alone, no one sees as I wander
through the peaceful cemetery.
  My feet leave no marks as I
tread through snow. A wearied
traveler has not far to go. I slowly
sink into my bed, resting amongst
the other dead.
  Crimson stains the glowing sky, the
silver moon drenched with the blood of
a murdered sun. Colliding shadows trip
over silent stones. A blanket of frigid
ice cloaks the quiet deaths.
  The dying embers of a fading sun
glow in the tangible reality of life. A serene
look at death's oncoming darkness.
Surround and taunt the starving
souls.

Pressure

Pressure...
  to be perfect,
   to be clean,
    to be neat,
     to be smart.
Pressure...
  to smoke,
   to drink,
    to get homework done,
     to be thin.
Pressure...
  to have sex,
   to be kind to others,
    to please,
     to obey.
To do everything Perfectly.
Pressure.

Treacherous Kisses

You've taken a knife to my throat. Your kisses are
treacherous, cutting out my heart. Destroying my
life with every touch. Taking away my breath with
every move. You devour my soul.
  Heat and pain you bring. Death and intoxication
pull me to your wickedness. You entice me into a
web of torture, your poisoned lips touching my
skin. With every touch, I die a little more.
  Please leave me alone, but stay with me a little longer.

I Love You

  I'll give you my heart, my mind, my soul.
My hands and my mind are open and lifted.
  I am myself, broken in many ways, but I
am not dead.
  Look at me. Am I alive? Yes? No? Why
will you not answer?
  If all that has happened had the power to kill
it would have already and I would be dead.
  Instead I am lifting up my face to the sky
from whence I receive my fate.
  And with all that exists within me, I will
fly away, unstained and pure for a bright new day.

Alphabet

Abused and hated.
Bloody and broken down.
Cut down to my very soul.
Damaged beyond repair.
Erase the stains of yesterday.
Forget the past, forsaken.
Grieve for the lost a little longer.
Hate sears my heart,
Igniting sorrow and pain,
Jolting me from my sleep.
Killed me deep inside,
Left for Dead.
Murdered by evil un-
named by fate.
Open the wounds,
Pierce my spirit.
Quiet darkness,
Raping my soul.
Someone save me!
Take this brokenness,
Using gentle words.
Violated and erased,
Weeping and cried out.
Examine your conscience,
You'll never understand.
Zest for life has been lost forever.

The Warrior

  In dreams he wakes
and oft'n sleeps. Wakened
by mem'ries to deep to keep.
  Haunted, he cries,
desperate he tries, tries
to escape the weathered
dreams.
  Old and weary,
weak and leary, his
stubborn mind refuses
to wake.
  Trapt inside a lie he
cannot hide, no truth
inside e'er he die.

Yesterdays

  Ghosts of the past are long dead,
I killed and buried them.
  Guilt wash over me in blood red,
no sorrow will I feel for the damned.
  Go ahead its all been said,
I weep not for mem'ries long fled
  A course has been plotted, tossed
about within, mixed with my blood.
  Guilt and shame no longer stain
me, pain no longer holds sway.
Who cares for tomorrow? I will
live for today.
  For tomorrow will only bind me,
tear me down, as in a sea of yesterdays
I will drown.
  Pity will not be my friend, nor
death in loveliest garb. I won't
be trapt in retrospect moments
and painful haze.
  Emotionless born, destroyed,
bound hand and foot will I die.
Only today, the next hour, gives
me hope for a world of tomorrows.
  Drown yourself in tomorrows and
I will wait, alive at the door and dead
at the gate.

Starved and Starving: Nov. 2007

  My soul is starved for knowledge,
starved for words that once sprung
from within. I am hungry with a
passion for writing. My hand will
not be stayed, nor my mind slowed
to match the beat of this burning
heart.
  That all the world would stop in
this breathless moment and give
me room to live. That all would
fade to a merry blue and all be
dismissed and forgotten. I am
overflowing, pouring out all that
has lain hidden within for so
long.
  I am thirsty for love and starved for
knowledge. And that I drink from
this cup you have given I would ne'er
deny. For you are the breath when there
is no air and life when all must die. For
you I would kill and steal, pray and heal.
For only your words can awake
within me this lovely outpouring of
blood from my soul.

Broken Rivers

My tears flow like the river.
They fill a muddy bank and dwell
    within its murky boundaries.
My soul has become the forgotten
    turns of the river.

Broken rivers, hear my cry.
You follow the shattered bones
    of my people as we move down
    to the depths of crushed dreams.
My heart has become a bloody tie
    to a forgotten people.

Endless, clear water rise to
    greet the weary feet of a
    weary nation.
My downtrodden spirit weeps
    at the touch of your cool
    waters.

My soul has become the forgotten
    turns of a broken river.

Hollowed Out Feb. 01st 2008

  Hollowed out, merely a shell.
Broken down for years, surviving
in Hell.
  The past is clearer in a dead
man's eyes, colorful and ever
present in a burning sky.
  Silhouette of the soul, nude
and splintered by time. Dying a
slow death inside.
  Crisp are the dying leaves of
Autumn. Sweet are the cries of
desolation they leave behind.
  Set ablaze this moment, don't
recall it to mind. Forget all the love,
forget all the pain, forget even time.
  Hollowed out, merely a shell.
Broken down for years, surviving
in this Hell.

Sweetest Phantom

To HAL: RIP 1979-2008

Stand beside these withered dreams,
The unseen shadows hold me tight.
Guiding me through this darkened sleep,
pass by the splintered heart as it silently beats.

Sweetest smile, drips with blood,
lips stained from a violent kiss. His mouth
is warm, her lips are cold. Two entwined,
death lies between their arms.

A splintered kiss upon my bleeding lips,
left by the ghost, the phantom of my
never-ending abyss. My muse, my
lost friend, touch my soul with poetry.

Take my hand, held safe, as I walk this
Destroyed path. These stones are broken,
They weep as we pass. Curse the moon
That it should leave us silhouetted and alone.

I know that you are there, I feel you
Breathe, kiss me and never fade. Sweet,
Sweeter than any dream, I am afraid
Don’t leave.

A paradox, frightened of the dark I cling to
its sleeve. I cannot let go of what I have
lost. Constant, you stay upon my mind,
within these wicked dreams, by my side.

September's Tarantella

 Turn out the light and follow me into
the everlasting black of night. Devoid of moon,
devoid of stars, all light faded into the bleak
darkness of our wicked hearts.
  Court me in the dark, let us drink from
the cup of shared poison for I am parched.
Devour me, heart and soul. Covet me, break
me and make me whole.
  Cordially, you kiss my hand. Violently, you take
all that is within me. God, that I were a
dark angel so that I might give you immortality.
Give you wings so that we might fly.
  Turn out the light and let us break our
silence. There is a rare beauty in the
breaking. Take my pen to parchment and I
will write of the wickedness of this starless night.
  For angels burn and mortals fail, demons love
and the stars fade into the darkest hell. And you
and I are lovers twain, starcrossed and ghosts in
this vicious reality.
  Dearest Soul, all are blind. None can see,
none can find. Gripped in a precious
love that Dante ne'er could define and
all is black and white in your mind.
  So, come down moon, die fair sun.
You and I will dance 'til dawn be a
dying world's last tearful goodbye.
And dying worlds cease to die.
  Let all that is chaotic and lovely
chase all our knowledge away and
cleanse our souls for the brand
newest of days.
  For never did I cry for tomorrows to
come, but for todays which will die. Let all
that is known be erased and we will begin again
in a different space.
  No heaven, no hell. No blue ocean or bloody
red. And emptiness reigns where love knows no
bounds. And blood-fire lilies and ivory rose of old
are burnt 'neath the frozen hearts of the dead.
  No mirror to see in,no bones to break.
Let all that we once loved tremble and quake.
And all will now fade, forgotten by some, loved by
a precious one and remembered by none.

A Forgotten World's Last Goodbye

To die such a beautiful death and to have never lived,
what a way to end it all. I have never felt such power
as when the knife lies bloody at my side. Could it be
that love is a broken china doll? God a figment or my
imagination?

No, that can't be right. Love a china doll? God a figment
of a twisted mind's deadly imagination? No, not that.
Truth is a tiger's breath, rancid with the smell of death,
dripping with the poison of living a lie. Love is not a
reality, but a child's dream that lies forgotten in a corner
after much time.

Whoever said love existed, must have been trying to
make the world a happier place, change the frown on the
face of the human race. Well, love does not heal, it kills
and it fades and it lies by to ensnare me. Love is a grave,
deep and hollow, waiting for a bride to fall into it's muddy
arms, and fill the space that was so long empty.

So let all that is broken and bleeding flow to the sea, entrapt
in a watery tomb and forgotten by a world that no longer
feels. I will remain, drowned and held beneath bloody waves
of love. No man shall see me, lest he be dead and drowning
like me. And we will be a forgotten world's last goodbye, a
goodbye to all the hypocrisy and lies.

Insanity

You tore my heart out, crushed it right in front of my face. How can all this be my fault? You were the one who said it would be okay. Now you say that I have to go and you get off free and clear. Well, I don't want it to be like this. What kind of truth is this? That you loved me, now you don't? And then you give me a broken kiss to make up for all the pain that you've caused. As if that will heal the wounds, and erase the scars.
Okay, so now you are gone and its been only a few weeks. And I cry every night to keep from those terrible dreams. I've never felt such pain, such agony in my soul. Without you everything is empty and nothing is whole. All I have ever longed for was a true love, one that would heal what was broken, love me as I am.
All that you offer me is a slow, pain filled death. One that would know no joy filled moment, not one loving gaze or one special kiss. And I would give up everything for that! I would be willing to die for you, die that slow painful death and never enjoy those moments, just so that I could claim that you loved me again.

I am who I am

I am quiet. I am loud. I am scared and I am courageous. I
am of the best and worst parts of Marilyn Monroe and
Edgar Allan Poe. I am dying from the human condition. But
I'm not dead yet! I have a soul and a mind. I am filled
with pains and joys. Loves and hates. I am destined to be
tragic. But that doesn't mean I can't be amazing while I'm
here. I have a heart and an imagination. I am of the Earth
and people of the Earth. I am made of music and dancing.
Light and darkness. I am a contradiction. But that doesn't
mean that I can't be one or the other. I have loved and
been loved.

I have lived a thousand years in 19. I have seen all there
might be to see that is evil in this world. But I'm
hanging on for the beauty. I love guns. I hate violence. I
love poetry and I hate prejudice. I am of poetry and clear
dark oceans that drag you down to the depths of satin
waves. I have seen the stars through a child's eyes. I
have lived in my skin. And I have known what it was like to
be loved. I dream. And I live for the future as I gaze back to my past.

I have been hurt, abused, abandoned and used. But I am not
broken. I may be bruised from life's many hardships, but
my soul remains unbroken by it. I am invisible and
apparent. I can sing and scream and dance. I have thoughts
and ideas. I am not just a body, but a soul unchained within a
mortal frame. I will never be perfection. I never
claim to be brillant or beautiful. But each of us is
beautiful in our own way. I am wrong sometimes. And right
other times. I have hopes and wants and desires.

I am of the wind, restless and powerful. Just look into my
eyes. I am made of the best parts of light and darkness.
Within them I am completely safe. I am alive and live
is what I intend to do with my life. I am of ice and fire.
A dangerous and chaotic marriage of the two. I can be
hateful, selfish and impatient. I can also be loving, tender
and sweet. I bear the scars of life proudly.
They are a part of me and always will be. I'm strange and
wild. Calm and sometimes wise. I can show you worlds you
didn't know existed. All you have to do is open your eyes!

I am violent and gentle. A strange mixture of course.  I
am intelligent and dumb. I am of the ocean, lightning and
thunder. I am of the wind, the sun and moon, stars and
clouds. I am of the atmosphere that surrounds us. Embraced
by what can not be seen. Drowning, I have stood in the
light of a new born sun. Breathless, I have stood in the
courts of the moon and her lovers. I have seen the future
and I have known the past. I live for today. I am
outspoken and stubborn. Opinionated and sometimes
rebellious.

And I am patiently waiting for whomever can love me for
all these things and more.

Chaos Rising

  You pour burning flowers down my throat,
Cast another lily on the fire. O that I had
Spoken sooner, caught your tongue like
A cat.
  I had no idea that you would call, or that
Fire could be so cold. I hate that about you
Every flower you put on doesn't burn, only
Freezes my heart.
  Do you know a riddle? Hit the nail on the
Head, carry the old woman to bed. Break
Me down, build me up, put another rose
On the fire.
  Burn me down, burn me up. Kiss me with
Kisses that sear, lips that chill me to the bone.
Haunt my soul with those burnt flowers, let the
Ghosts of all that has passed, touch me.
  I am not afraid of death, only of life that
Is so very unfair. Come, teach me Plato,
Teach me Shakespeare. Show me words
That can express the soul.
  Define God to me, even though He cannot
Be defined. Define love in words that don't
Exist. Burn another flower on the cross
That you love, then cast me on as well.
  Collapsed and broken, like the flowers you
Have burned. Am I bruised? Am I burnt up?
Do you still see me? Or have I faded like
Those unfortunate orchids?
  Love me or hate me, kiss me or hit me. Don’t
Let’s stand here in this putrid silence. White
And black photos scattered on the floor,
Those photos burn as well.
  So let’s forget this whole matter, burn the
Flowers and pour them on my coffin. Let
Them bury me in the sea of simplicity. I
Care not for anything here.
  So cast the marigold on the fire, let the
Beautiful flames fly up and let them cause
Everything else to fade away. I will remain
Hidden and open, buried by a flowery flame.

Strange (Jan. 28th 2008)

Its strange how things turn out,
life turned up side down, can't
seem to make it straight.

Don't laugh at me as I lie here
on the cold floor. You aren't
perfection personified.

I have turned things over and over
trying to make sense of nonsensical
motives you seem to press upon me.

We are one; a splintered glass
heart that no glue can fix. We are two;
broken and forgotten we fade.

Fate is a tragic thing, just as splintered
as our torn hearts. Once again you
laugh, but don't, you aren't pure either.

Like caged animals we scream,
scratching and tearing each other
down to nothing.

You say this is just teen angst.
Its not, this is a moment we will
never retrieve again.

Broken we will sit upon this floor.
Touching, palm to palm, pressed
against the cracked wall.

Just as Titanic sank to the depths,
we will fade into the bottomless
ocean's arms.

Don't laugh at me as I lie here
on the cold floor. You aren't
perfection personified.