Confession

While I'm admitting secrets, maybe I should tell you that you meant the world to me and it hurts so much that you decided that our friendship wasn't worth the time. I hate you, but I miss you. Maybe someday it will fade, but for today it is an angry welt on my heart that keeps screaming curses at you for the betrayal. Are you Happy?

A Portrait of the Artist as a Flower

Humanity is a cannibalistic flower. We bloom, ever growing in this canopy of sky and sunshine. We devour ourselves, the bones of those before us, our brothers and sisters, our neighbors and friends. We are beautiful, colorful and chaotic. We are roses and dandelions, dancing and spinning through time and space.

Ever-changing and always the same. We are complex and simple in our complexities. We are a virgin and a whore, constantly moving from one body to the next in our hunger. This hunger is overwhelming, devouring us. In its wake we are transfixed by the greed and the need. We are sexuality and ritual, cannibals and whores. Flightless birds on a collision course.

We are a field of red. Red roses, red poppies, red paint dripping everywhere. Wars divide us, unite us. We stand alone, but stand together. We pick the flowers we like best and cut down the others, proclaiming them weeds. It is the same in every generation. We have our prejudices, our vices. We are purity and love, beauty and lust.

We are simplistic in our complex nature. Chaos mating simplicity and complexity in a ritualistic, cannibalistic and sexual frenzy. We try to escape, but there is no escaping the self. We find ourselves within the bodies of others, raping and killing, trying to find the truth in blood. In the end we are hacked down by the flowers behind us. Each of us weeping that it was not our time.

Hell is an empty House

Hell is an empty house.

That's what the sign said, dangling crookedly from a spindly hook.

Hell is an empty house.

Words painted in white on black boards; the handwriting shaky.
The words reverberate through the emptiness spoken by ghosts.

Hell is an empty house.

Drifting through, colors muted by the darkness, words that smell.
Can words have a smell? A taste bitter enough to make you wince?
The ghosts avoid that part of the house, afraid of the truth.

Hell is an empty house.

And all that remains to me is the sign that you made, it mocks me.
I watch it from the fireplace, watch as a breeze makes it sway.
You left me here to stare at the madness of it, the emptiness of it.
And all that remains of me is that sign, the sign you once loved me.

Hell is an empty house.

Penile Thinking

I am listening to your excuses,
        the verbal abuses.

Is it a name game you play?
        Her name, you say.

So you couldn't resist,
        a tempting kiss.

Let your penis do the thinking,
        now you are sinking.

Sinking...

Sinking...

SUNK.

Boy, I don't care that you were drunk.
         I don't care, you're a skunk!

So fuck you, fuck this.
         Enjoy her kiss.

I deserve better than you,
         and I loved you too.

Gray Eyes

   Your gray eyes hypnotize and entice me to dance.
They pierce me to the soul. Glowing in the sweet
silence of this room. I see our whole future in your
gray eyes.

Smothered

   My last bit of strength is gone. I'm slipping, grasping the last of my hope. My slender thread breaks, letting me fall into the dark waves below me.
   I fall into the darkness, smothered and buried beneath waves of pain. I try to cry for help, but I'm gone, drowning. I'm lost.

Hell II

   Empty and broken,
      the fires of Hell
licking my wounds.

No Longer

   I'm no longer going to
hide the real me, deep
inside. I have come to
stay, nothing will make
me hide away.
   I've been hidden for so
long, I almost forgot
who I was. But no
longer. This is the real me.

Remember

   I don't want to think, I want to forget.
Forget the pain you caused and the blood I lost.

Phantom

   I am all alone; scarred, broken and bleeding. Buried in a flaming hell, slowly fading into the oblivion of solitude. How long must I stay? How long must I remain without love, without hope, without anything, but the dark?
   Only the unforgiving dark remains, an empty, black, abyss to give comfort to my dying soul. As my soul is ripped from deep within me, I lay this rose in the snow. Blood escapes to the stones, my heart breaks.
   I am hidden, full of pain. Alone.

Prayer for Mercy

   Jesus, save me! Please, have tender mercy on
a filthy, wretched, sinner like me!

Wanting to Speak

   I want to say how much you mean to me, but I can't. I long to give you all my heart, but you don't know. I need you, all the time, like a soft wind breathing over me.
   Deep inside me lies a broken heart, longing for a gentle touch. My arms that desire your arms more than anything in this world.
   Oh how I long to tell you the truth about everything.
I love you.

An Opinion

   In truth we see ourselves as we are;
ugly creatures of darkness, miraculously
covered with beauty and light.

Blind Eyes

   You see a face,
but you don't see me.
   Sadness, not a trace,
but you don't see me.
   Bleeding under the surface,
but you won't see me.
   Desperate for a purpose,
but you won't see me.
You never will know me.

Abandonment

   I feel abandoned. The wind blows on my face, but no
one is there to wipe away the dust and the tears.
   I feel abandoned. Left alone to cry while the whole
world passes me by.
   I feel abandoned. No one understands or cares. So
what does it matter?
   I feel abandoned.

Mirror

   A small girl living in a glass house. Paper people and teddy bears surround her. All alone in her little blue world. When I look in the mirror, she's all I see. And now she's become me.

Sleep

   Tired eyes, weary head
sleep causes them to lay down.
Weary soul, tired spirit
death causes them to lay down.
   Once so tired, now so
dead, sleeping in a wooden
bed. Sweet upon a lovely
head, rested well and deep in
sleep.

Understanding

   People are afraid of what they don't understand.
And so many do not understand love.
   Many search for years and never find it.
Many search only to find it and let it slip from their grasp.
The few who find and keep it forever
cannot explain the blessing.
   Those who have never been touched by love
are scared of what they don't know. So they try
to destroy those who have it, all because they do not
understand.

Poetry

   Too many thoughts swirl
inside my head. Too many words,
to many pictures, too many memories.
Put my words to song, make
them dance, make them sing.
Put my words to poetry, make
it flow like a river. Cleanse
my soul with poetry.

Division

   I'm so divided. Scattered, as dots, over a paper
sea. A heart divided against itself, a civil
war raging underneath my ribcage. Cannon
fire makes my heart skip a beat. Wrestling
with inner demons that wish to break apart
my loyalties and demand that I obey.

Broken

   Bleeding, ripped and overshadowed by death. Kneeling
in the nakedness and everlasting agony.
   Torn and heartbroken, waiting for an end to the
pain. Broken and lost, oh, ongoing death.

The End of Time

  Not 'til the end of time will our love die.
   Not 'til the end of time will our love fly.
   Not 'til the end of time will our love cease to grow.
   Not 'til the end of time will I ever let you go.

Questions

What is life? What is death?
   What is anything in life?
   What makes life worth living? What makes death worth giving up?
   These are questions that seem to have no answer and, if they do have answers, where are they?

Untitled V

   The depression swirled around her in the
darkness. She tried to call the name of
Jesus, but it was swallowed in the abyss.
No one could hear her cries for help. The
enemy of her soul taunted her, his evil
mouth emitted cackles of pleasure.

My Desire

   I wish I was powerful and majestic like a lion.
I wish to be as beautiful and graceful as a horse. Oh,
if only I could be wild and enticing like fire, or be
able to stand alone like the wolf.
   If only I was fast and agile like a cheetah. I
want to dance across the heavens like a star.
   Most of all, I wish to be loved even though
I am none of these things.

Lost Before

   I was lost before I met you. I was hurting and
alone. I needed someone's tender touch to lead me
back to home. You were there for me when everything
was falling down.
   And, now, I realize, I love you more than ever before.
I want to tell you, say the words I want to.
I love you so much that I'm drying up without
you. Please, say you love me too.

And yet,

   Even death is bittersweet. We rejoice to be free of pain,
sorrow and corruption. Yet we miss those we've left
behind to carry on without us.

Searching

   I went to heaven to see if you
were there, but alas I couldn't
find anywhere.
   I went to the bottom of the sea
to seek your love, but you weren't
there just like above.
   I searched high and low, but
could not find where to
go.
   I called your name, to tell
you that I love you. But you
never said I love you too.
   So I wrote a poem, just
for you. I miss you and
I love you.

Letter to God

God,
   Will these be the last
   stars I see? I'm trembling,
   and my heart is pounding.
God,
   I know my time is just a
   breath to you. It's going in
   a moment.
God,
   You know my fears. Everyday
   I wonder, is this my last?
   My dreams scare me.
God,
   Evil is looming over me,
   I see the Devil laughing. Are
   You still holding me?
God,
   I just heard the shots ring
   out. They pierce my body and
   blood is seeping out. Please, hold me.
God,
   My tears are flowing faster than
   I can catch them. I was so
   scared of it and now it's here.
God,
   I hear your voice. I feel your
   arms. I'm dead now, but some
   how its okay.
God,
   Will these be the last stars
   I see? I'm trembling and
   my heart is pounding.

Last Breath

   Will this be the last breath
I take? The last thought I think?
Will this beautiful day be my
last?
   I'm trying to drink in the
beauty of these stars, but will they
be my last? Will this be my last
day in autumn's glory? My last full moon?
   Cascading sunlight brushes my
skin. Is this the last sun-soaked
sky I see? Is this my last love
drenched moment?
   Will winter's frigid beauty pass
me in my grave? I'm hungry for
the world around me, but the
more I take in, the more I wonder.
   Is this the last time I hold my baby?
The last time I see his face? Will
I see him grow up? Will what
I know murder me?
   I dream of the immanency of what
is coming. Is this my last dream?
Will this be my last writing? My
last poem?
   Will this be the last breath
I take? the last thought I think?
Will this beautiful day be my
last?

Christmas Poem II

   Jesus, born son of God, child of
Mary flesh and blood. Come to
Earth to love and save, so that
man will eternally live.
   He takes a cross and dies
so that children like me
may rejoice in free salvation.
   Darkness may lie all around,
but his beautiful light has the
power to surround and guard
me, keep and love me.
  My heart sings in my
chest as I know that
Jesus is above the rest.
   I'm so glad that He
was born to save on
this, a glorious, Christmas
day.

Blood and Bone

   The blood stains the hands
and flows freely on. Crimson
never-ending slips through
the bars of flesh and bone.
   Empty chasms stand against
the frail shield of humanity.
The depths of which cannot be
counted or healed.
   Past these imprisoning walls
floods the weary soul. Onward
flies the desperate spirit,
stopping not to see life.

A Voice in the Dark

   I cried for a long time,
waiting for a sign, relief
from the pain couldn't be
found in cutting or wine.
   A voice in the dark, the
one I longed to hear,
your voice carrying me
here.
    Sleep is a weary traveler's
friend, death the broken-
hearted's. For my weary
soul bring a voice in the dark.
    A voice in the dark, a stir
of the echoes, silence in
place of death. Grasp and
hold my memories still.
    Tranquil lie the vows of
marriage, broken lie the
bands of love, bloody lie the
hearts of the weary soul,
longing desperately for love.

A Cry

   Save me, please. See me, bloody and broken.
Twisting, dying from the neglect. Bring me life, a token.

When I first Loved

   They say the sweetest dreams are those that come true. The ones that can be held in your hands and loved for an eternity. My sweetest dreams came true when I first loved you.
   When I first realized I couldn't live without your smile, and tender heart, I knew you were the one. You were the one I'd waited, prayed and longed for. You were my wish come true.
   You were so much more than a passing friend. You listened, you were always there for me, good times and bad. Your kindness showed me love, true love. You showed me love past all my pain.
   You became a confidante, my best friend. I felt comfortable sharing everything with you. Your advice and compassion were arms that sheltered me from many a storm.
   Despite what you think, I've loved you from day one. Something in my heart said that you would help me heal. God prompted me to speak.
   Without God's prompting, I never would've spoken, never would've shared my hurt. I didn't
feel comfortable talking to anyone. God saw a need and He sent me you.
   And now, as I confess my love for you, I hope you find you love me too. You were, and are, my dream that God saw fit to make come true.

Winds of October: Part II

  Grasp the silence in your hands and
sweep all distraction aside. Kiss my
lips and gently touch my skin. Create
a stirring in me that cries for you.
   Make me sing of the passion you have
given. Rake your fingers through my hair
and send shivers up my spine. You
are my one true love, the one I
will cherish forever.

Love Me

   Tell me you love me too! Please, say you won't leave
me all by myself in this lonely world.
   Please, love me! I, so, need someone to care about what
happens to me. Care if I live or die.
   I don't want to remember my pain, I just want your
arms around me. Holding me tight.
   Can you tell me you won't leave, promise me your love Forever?
Hold me close while I cry.
   Tell me you love me, please don't leave me alone. I've
been unloved and alone so long.
   Please, love me.

Silently Screaming

   Fear takes our breath. Not
the normal fear, but the fear
of an early grave, that haunts
our hearts. How did we get
involved in such a deadly game?
   History come back to haunt
us. A past we thought was
gone, now killing our closest
friends.
   How do we stop what we set
into motion? There is only one
answer, fear is not it. We
must stand up against that
which we fear the most.
   In the end succeeding. Yet
always wondering, fearing
for our lives. And those of our
loved ones.

Hollow Woman

   I'm not alive, I'm dead. I'm just not in the ground yet. I walk around, I can't feel, I don't see anything that could make me heal. I'm empty and broken, unlocked and open. Bleeding and dying, dead to it all.
   I'm in pain, yet I don't feel. I lay here trying to end it still. All the hell I've lived through, all the pain comes to a head. Why am I still breathing when I'm already dead? Why is my heart still beating and my blood still red?
   Why is Hell so long in staying, where is this God everyone says loves me? Where is He? Because I don't feel Him. I'm afraid of what I don't see, what reaches for me. I bleed darkness and sorrow, hidden in the hollow sound of the breaking inside my chest. The dull ache of all my pain around me wakes.
   I'm empty, alone, forgotten by all, when will I finally fall into my grave?

My End

   I'm falling apart, I feel sick. I'm
shaking, my stomach is churning. The tears are falling,
something is breaking inside.
   I can't breathe, my brain is reeling. All I can see is you
leaving. I'm screaming, I can't see through the tears I'm
shedding.
   This is how it must feel. This is how it is when your heart
breaks. I'm trying to put the pieces back, but this is it.
This is how it feels when the loves is gone and the world you
know has ended.

Breaking Ties

   My mind is confused,
my heart is broken and bleeding.
I want to tell you the truth,
but how can I?
   Tears quiver on my black
eyelashes and travel down
my cheeks. I'm trying to explain,
but you won't listen.
   I love you, but we can't
be. You don't understand, I've
been hurt before. You've been
kind, but you broke my heart.
   Please, understand, I love you,
but I've changed. I don't love
you, like you say I do. You
don't really love me the same.
   I'm something you want,
but I can't let you have me.
Because it won't work out.
And if it's meant to be then,
God's will be done. Let me
hug you and say goodbye. I
wish you the best and hope
you will still see me as a friend.
   My mind is confused,
my heart is broken and bleeding.
I want to tell you the truth,
but how can I?

Hidden Messages: Part III

Destruction and defeat
enclose around me. The dark
advances on my soul. Agonizing minutes
tick by as blood runs to the river, and
help escapes my grasp.

Hidden Messages: Part II

Ripping of clothing echoes,
adamant cries for help,
paralyzed by fear and pain,
echoes of darkness close in.

Hidden Messages: Part I

Starving for love, my mind
unsure of the world around me. My heart
is ill from lack of love. Pain and sorrow are
cutting deep into my soul. Pale skin shows
indents from my scars. My only escape,
death, is coming  quickly. Come, share in
everlasting pain and agony.

Going Back

   This is who I am, who I've become.
The girl you see isn't the real me. I've
been hiding for what seems like forever. The
other part of me tucked away so deep that I
couldn't find her. She slipped away to a
quiet place where she could see Jesus' face.
   This is who I am, who I've become. I'm
not fronting anymore. I refuse to hide who
I am, deep inside. I'm scared and alone,
but I won't back down, won't go back.
This is what I've become, I refuse to let
you bring me down.
   This is who I am, who I've become. You don't
control me, I won't let you. I'm not going
back and I won't go to my grave lie this,
I'm going to my grave, the real me, who I
was meant to be. Did you even care
enough to see?
   Jesus, hold me tight. I know I can't win this
fight, on my own. You've got to help me,
cause I'm not going to hide anymore.

Blackest Passions

   It is as if my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I just want it to stop, I just want the pain to end. Please, God, make it end.
   My soul is steeped in the pain I am feeling. I need an escape. Love will set me free? The truth will set you free? When? When do I get the love I greatly desire.
   I'm going crazy. Life isn't worth the living. It's empty and meaningless, devoid of all happiness I used to feel.
   Sleep avoids me, love ignores me, pain adores me and I abhor me. I just want to sing without crying, laugh without pain, dance without hate. Be me without fear of the ever-present darkness.
   I love the dark, but she refuses to stay by my side, leaving me alone. Desperate for a quiet place where I can let go, let live, let love... am I the only one who feels this?
   Pain is my only friend, intensity my lover, depression my only companion, end it! End my life and let me escape this prison. A prison I cannot escape, no matter what.
   Nothing matters anymore.

Breath

   Take a breath, slow down. I can't
talk if you're going around in circles.
You're out of breath and you are
cutting deeper than you've ever gone
before.
   No, I don't understand why
you want to destroy something so
precious as your life. Explain one
more time why the blood fixes
everything.
   I, too, understand the longing
for the pain, the rush of blood, but
I won't let you end everything.
I love you to much to let you
die, and stand serenely by.
   You can fly. Just spread
your wings, just take a
breath and soar. Sleep,
don't talk anymore. Quiet,
as you take a breath.

Jubilee (Pulse of Love)

  Let the music pulse through my fingertips. Let the rhythm flow through my body, like the blood that gives me life. Let my feet dance with joy that floods the soul, move to the beat of a song that makes me sing.
   Let my soul rejoice in singing, let my mouth overflow with praise. For a God who saved my soul and a man who died in my place.
   Let the love of a perfect God pulse through my fingertips, let it cover every part. Let the rhythm of His glory flow through my body, like the blood that gave me life. Let my feet dance with the joy of the Lord that floods my soul. Move to the beat of His love that makes me sing.
   Let my soul rejoice in singing, let my mouth overflow with praise. For a God who saved my soul and a man who died in my place.
   This body is the Lord's to the fingertips, to the very soul, my very heart. His life flows through my veins, His blood clothes me. I'm all His, all His. Forever safe, loved more than His own life. Giving His life, His blood covering my soul and I will forever...
   Let my soul rejoice in singing, let my mouth overflow with praise. For a God who saved my soul and a man who died in my place.

Alone

   She found herself, all alone.
Surrounded by people, yet all alone.
She looked in the mirror,
but all she saw was emptiness.
   She began to wonder if
life was worth the trouble she
went through. Was it worth the
pain she suffered?
   Her friends tried to show her
the worth she didn't feel. Tried
to love her beyond the pain,
help her move on.
   She lays in her bed and
tries not to cut, not start to
drink. The numbness overwhelms
her, she wants to feel something.
   Something beyond the numb
emptiness and desperate pain.
The blood is dripping, she's ripped
open the scars and destroyed herself.
   She's dead.

The Blues

   I don't know what my heart's gonna do
we're through, tired of bein' used by you.
Left me out in the cold, stranded away from
your heat. And in that time, while I was
so alone, you found comfort in another woman's
arms. Well I won't stand for it no more,
go on and head out the door.
   These are the blues, the blues. When you've
lost your man and been cheated on and on
and on. I've lost my man blues. Lost my man
blues.
   I don't know what my heart's gonna do,
I'm so blue over him. And even though
I know he'll break my heart, I still love
him. He's left me feelin' so blue.
   These are the blues, the blues. When you've
lost your man and been cheated on and on
and on. I've lost my man blues. Lost my man
blues.

Weeping Heart

   Shattered and broken, bloody and open
to anything but this life. Nothing
remains of happiness, crying
all alone, where no one will find me.
   Silence is my lover, blood my
one friend. Deep in sorrow I
let my weeping heart break.
Does no one see me? See my pain,
my fading face. I hang from a
breakable strand.
   Sweetly bleeding, a crying sound,
crimson staining the putrid ground.
Sweetly dying, bones all around me.
To deep, to gone, to be rescued.
   A weeping heart that has given up,
tortured soul that can't breathe. Can't
see beyond the brokenness and pain.
Empty and alone, I die.

Knife

   Oh, my steel friend.
My consort and comfort
in worst circumstances.
You bring the blood to
cleanse my soul, make
me feel whole, but remain
broken.
   Many times have I
sought your comfort.
Many times I've taken
solace in the comforting
pain you bring.
   Once again, I wish to
claim your comfort in
my shame and pain. The
scars do not go away,
but the pain does.
   The one thing under
my control is my knife.
Sometimes it feels like
you are my only friend.

California

   With eyes full of heat
and despair, liquid and
pain filled. Knowing the truth
breaks her already torn
heart. How could she have
been betrayed so cruelly
by fate?
   To resolve the pain she
felt inside, she cut and she
cried. The relief she
felt was short lived and
so she drank and cut
some more. The drinking
soothed her soul.
   Numbed and dulled by
un-relinquished pain. So she
left for a place faraway.
As if distance could heal
a wound she couldn't see.
In despair she reached out
to a friend, but even with
help, she cut again.
   To California she is
set, afraid of what hasn't
happened yet. To face her
pain she makes the
journey to California. To
possibly regain a piece of
her little girl inside. To
regain her lost self.
   Hidden from the world
is a frightened, little, girl.

Bloody Moonlight

   Bloody moonlight strewn across a path
of unkempt secrets.
   Disease and fear hold sway over
people. And deep in the dark, lie
murders untold, stories of horror
and guilt.
   Deep in September hang the souls
that have died.
   Empty eyes, soulless and dead,
watch every day pass with dread.
Despair cowers under painful
memories, nightmares untold.
   Nightmares arise in the blood
soaked skies of death.

A Circle

   In a never-ending circle of pain and despair, life
flows out. Blood and roses don't satisfy one need,
one hungry cry.
   Twisting and turning in one, never-ending, wheel.
Fresh blood flows, tears salty come searching for
the love of someone.
   Demons of murder and torment around me spin.
Tearing at my heart, breaking my apart, drowning
me in sin.
   A circle, never-ending, all around, pushing me
further towards the ground. Burying, pulling, me
under ashes of lace.

Spell of your Eyes

   I am taken under the spell of your eyes.
You make my heart skip a beat. I drown
in your eyes, I faint under your smile.
   Oh, how I love and adore you. Every piece
of my heart begs to be called yours. My
arms tremble to mingle with yours.
   How I wish there were words to speak of
the love I bear for you. My very soul weeps
at your approach.
   Drawn under your spell, I try to speak of
a love you do not know. You are the sweetest
love I have ever known.

Bleeding Earth, Broken Sky

   As if the angry storm clouds
had been given to man, the black
smoke filled the sky. Two towers,
twins in form and make, cruelly
pierced by terrorist airplanes.
   The people within trying to
escape the carnage that lay
all around. And the whole world
wept as the towers came
crashing down. Dragging
our safe world down with it.

Ashes of Lace

   'Neath ashes of lace, quiet and serene,
I wait for someone to rescue me.
   To save me from a world of cruelty and ill.
Rescue me, let not my broken heart fall still.
   Dance me into a magical place.
Where I see naught, but your gentle face.
   Pour on me forgiveness and love, joy and peace.
Put my tender heart at ease.
   Smile, but once, and will I fade
to but a pleasant shade.
   'Neath ashes of lace, we rest in a grave.
Peace sweeps over us in a rollicking wave.

Drawn Under

   I'm drawn in by the sin that lies around me.
Wearied by the struggle, I give in. Pulled down
further into what I hate. Finally, buried under
the weight of my guilt, I'm drawn under the knife.
The knife to which I give all myself.

Proud (Confessions of a Daughter)

   All I ever wanted was
to make you proud. To do
something so I might
deserve a place in your
heart. I wanted to show
you that I was worthy of
your praise.
   I wrote that I might
show you what I could do.
Doing everything with my
whole heart so that I
could say, "I'm worthy".
   All I ever wanted was
your love. To make you
proud of me, so that you'd
love me. Proud of me
for what I accomplished.
   Proud to call me your
daughter, your only one.

Release Me

  Touch my soul,
caress my heart.
Love me, shatter the
loneliness and frighten
away the pain of life.

Forgive Me

   There is a pain within me, which rages deep within my soul. It burns, scars, my view on life. It kills me inside, destroying me further with every breath. I have no more to live for. Forgive me and my sins. It maybe selfish, but its an end to all the hurt and numb pain. Do not cry for me, only remember my happiness. Only remember everything, but this one.
   I loved you all.

Running Away

    I take my life into my hands,
I want to leave so I'll take a chance.
   I refuse to stay and slowly
die. Hiding further and further inside.
   I'm leaving, I won't remain
prisoner, who's only friend is a chain.

Desperate

   I wish there was someone, anyone, who knew the truth behind the facade. Can no one see the scars? Can no one see that I'm trying to find a way out? Am I that good of an actress that no one can see me?
   I've been to the doctors, I've taken the pills. No more, I can't take it anymore and I want to die. I'm tired of feeling, tired of feeling so weighed down that I can't breathe. I want to live, but I want to die. Will someone please hear me? Please, listen to my crying.
   LISTEN TO ME!
   I'm slipping further and further away and you don't even see it! Why aren't you paying attention to the signs? Don't IGNORE me!
   Look at ME! Look AT my WRISTS! Look IN MY EYES! You can see my soul if you look, just LOOK! Open your eyes and see me, before I'm gone. Before its to late!

To Forgiven: May 06 - March 07

   I stand, crying, on the side of the road. My
heart aches, so raw and broken, deep within
my chest. Such a pain, on could never express.
I can't breathe, can't draw in any air to
my thirsty lungs. I can't speak, can't see
anything amidst the tears. Your body.
   If Charlie Chaplin had been a cat, he
would have been Forgiven, my Forgiven, my
baby.
   And here I stand, crying on the side of
the road. I can't breathe, can't speak, I
don't understand. My heart, my soul, can't
take this pain. Your lifeless body resting in
the grass. Poor baby, my baby.
   My Forgiven.

Caught

   Caught between your lies and my heart.
I loved you so much, but you tore us apart.

Look

   If you loved me, you
would look into my
eyes and realize you
are killing me inside.
   Love kills the soul
and then destroys
the mind. It shatters
the world and leaves
it thirsty and blind.
   When will it finally
be my turn to be
happy?

For all Eternity

  If love is true it will last for an eternity. Never letting go, holding on forever, chorusing through the lover's veins.
   Grasping, straining, reaching for each other. Believing in the wonders of love. Touching each other's souls with tender fingertips.
   The stars do not shine, except when they are with each other. Kisses and hugs don't even begin to express the heart's true feelings.
   The voices of love combine with guitar's strumming. They crescendo to a lovely, haunting, pitch. Even the yellow daisies turn to listen.
   If love is true it will last for an eternity. Never letting go, holding on forever, chorusing through the lover's veins.

Simply Put

   When the day's light is dimming and the night's candles
are lit, I will carry on loving you. Forever and always.

A Clue...

   Honesty is the key,
open the door and you will see.

The Sunrise

   Rises each morning from her shadowy bed. Rising
to greet the world with warmth and light.

Seas

   Raining o'er a white capped
sea, clouds blacken and thunder
rolls. Lightning is like wandering
ghosts cast of the heavens
with a flash.
   The waves roll o'er top of
each other, smothering the one
below.

Sundown

   Sunlight disperses evil intent, which moonlight conjures it like
a witch.
   The dark hides the thoughts and drowns out cries. Everything
is hidden from naive eyes.
   Evil flies on the wings of the dawn, while wickedness follows
the heels of sundown.

Grasping Ocean Floors

   I'm sinking deeper, tied down and drowning.
Falling farther than ever before. The water is
cool here, calming my heart here.
   I'm slipping under, trying to grab onto my last
breath. Sleep, no longer fleeting, death sweet
and calming. Gently lift me, floating and crying.
   I'm dancing under, crawling down deeper. Tied down
and drowning, cool here. I'm not seeing anything,
except the water around me, covering my soul.
   I'm falling farther, emptying all I know. Collapsing
under the pressure I'm feeling. Caressing the
bottom, grasping the ocean's floor.
   I'm sinking deeper, tied down and drowning.
Falling farther than ever before. The water is
cool here, calming my heart here.
   When I die, I'll slip further into deep rest.

These Hills

   Turbulence fills these hills.
Pain and death cover these
woods like frost. Moans and
cries fill the air 'til there is
no room to breathe
   I walk these hills 'til I
see the pain, feel the cries,
taste the turbulence of these
hills. I sing this song with
these hills. Deep, old and
secret lies the heart of
these hills, broken and bleeding
lie the pieces.
   Sleep does not exist in
these hills. Blood caresses the
earth like summer rain.
Streams of water dance over still
forms and silence screams
as death takes another partner.
The earth trembles under the weight
of these hills.

The Blood Road

   Crimson paints a beaten highway.
Weary feet tread through the empty
desert, splashing through bloody pools.
   Bodies of the broken and lost lie
strewn along the path. Silence echoes
in the darkness.
   Peace lies dead, dressed in a bloody
gown. Happiness lies beside her, by
heavy chains weighted down.
   Sadness wanders and cries, she is lost
and alone. Guilt taunts her as they move
down the road.
   Death laughs at the havoc she has caused.
She sits on her throne of bones and carnage
and watches the turbulence.
   Crimson paints a beaten highway.
Weary feet tread through empty
desert, splashing through bloody pools.

Your Kind of Love

   I've tried to move past
the pain of you, but no
matter what I do I can't.
   My poor heart remains in
pieces, charred and scarred
by your kind of love.
   Desperately, I try to scrub
you off my skin, erase
your memory. Purge myself
of thoughts of you, cleanse
my soul of your kind of love.
   Asleep and your face
brings nightmares, dreams
of what could have been. I
lay still and your face
haunts my mind, your kind of love.
   Killed me with your kind
of love, destroyed all hope of
life with your kind of love.
Left and betrayed by your
kind of love.

Fast Train to Heaven

Carry me home on that fast train to heaven. I wanna feel it rock and roll all the way up to those pearly gates. Let that train carry my sorrow and worry to the arms of the Lord. Rest this fleeting body in that bed of Earth and let me ride that fast train to Heaven.

Ride away on that fast train to Heaven. Kiss all your cares and pain away. Bid this world an overdue goodbye and board that fast train to Heaven.

Wanna see my Jesus face to face, say goodbye to all my cares. No more tears, no more shame, washed by the blood of my friend, Jesus. Sweet comfort found in the arms of my Saviour, gotta board that train.

Ride away on that fast train to Heaven. Kiss all your cares and pain away. Bid this world an overdue goodbye and board that fast train to Heaven.

When all is done, songs been sung, and I'm laid to rest, gonna sing a new song. As I ride that fast train to Heaven.

Ride away on that fast train to Heaven. Kiss all your cares and pain away. Bid this world an overdue goodbye and board that fast train to Heaven. Fast train to Heaven.

All Aboard!

Observations

  What a sad life we lead, tears fill the empty moments even when none are shed. Hope is a butterfly that disappears after we see a glimpse.
   Life is a circle that one day ends, but keeps turning after we're gone. Love never seems to find those who need it most, and chocolate doesn't cure heartache.
   Fragments of stories, love and tragedy, seep into our generation. The dark-side of the moon is where our curiosity lies, as well as our hopes and dreams.

Morbidity in Love

   Sweet temptation, caress my lips with
deadly poison. Give me love which kills.

These Silent Stones (To America)

   These silent stones remember not the blood that
was shed upon their stern faces. Nor do they recall
the love I wooed and lost, in their rocky presence.
They shan't e'er remember.
   The silence envelopes these stones, much like the rest of
this world. We stand silently, faces stern and set, not
caring to recall how this country was founded. Not
caring to recall God or His hand in our government.
   No voice will we raise against the evils of this world.
No cry will escape our stubborn lips. Divided we will
fall. Shaken by attack we will stand. We have become
the source of many ills and wickedness.
   What has happened to this country? We have become a
place where black still isn't equal to white. Where
prayer in school is wrong. Where you really don't have
the right to your own opinions or freedom of speech.
   Where Muslim means you're a terrorist, and being a
Christian is old-fashioned and narrow-minded. A place where
no one is innocent until proven guilty. A place where a
man's rights are played, yet never really there.
   When will we see that we are headed for destruction?
America, when will you open your eyes and see the evil
you have become? Please, come back to God before it
becomes too late to be rescued!
   These silent stones remember not the innocent blood
that was shed upon their stern faces. The blood of
innocent children cries out, but America will remember
not. She shan't e'er remember.

Prisoning Shadows

  Deep in the prisoning shadows, hide the ghosts of
past mistakes. Colliding and shivering in the
overwhelming darkness of guilt. Stained with
the yesterdays, unable to forget the pain and sin.
   Refusing to emerge from the prisoning shadows
into the light. Afraid of their filth and the
carnage behind them. Afraid to face the wrong
that holds them in the darkness.
   Tortured by their shame, held forever in their
emptiness. Soulless, grief-stricken and loveless,
they wait for the pain to stop. All the while, never
accepting the love that awaits them in the light.

Of the Earth

  We are of the Earth, children of ghosts,
of wind. Buried beneath prejudice and
cruelty. Forgotten by the world, we are
dying out. Our traditions, our people,
fading into the abyss of history.
   Forced to live on reservations, our
freedom, our hope, ripped from our
hearts and souls. Crying out for a
hero, one who will fight for us. One who
will save us from the cruelty and pain.
   Why is every man created equal, but us?
No man is equal in the eyes of this
country. The white man is superior, all
others are dust to be trodden. When will
we be given back our right to live?
   We just want to live, live in harmony
with the Earth around us. Justice for
our people, justice for all the dead.
Justice for all the wrong suffered at the
hands of a cruel government.
   As a storm on the horizon, so we will
come. Fighting oblivion, fight the wrong,
fighting injustice and prejudice. All the
pain we have endured for hundreds of
years won't be in vain.
   I am of the Earth, a child of ghosts, of
wind and thunder. Of the lightning, of the
raging sea, of ceaseless tears and pain. I
am of the night, a daughter of moonbeams and
shadows.
   I am Native American.

To My Husband (whenever He comes)

   Begin in me, stir in me, breathe in me a love I did not know. Press your hand to my heart so that I may drink deeply from your wisdom and knowledge. Let me know what you know, speak words I didn't even believe were true, give birth to a whole new life within my soul.
   Let me lose control and you gain it, let me sleep quietly in the haven of your arms. Be my protection and my warrior. Love me, be one with my soul and heart. Let God be your guide, so that you might lead me into His light. Help me bear the pain, help me stand whenever I fall. Be a man after God's own heart.
   Say you'll be my best friend and lover, my warrior and gentle guide. Let me stray not to any other, but let me be your only. Your wife.

The Forgotten Ocean

   Deep inside of me is a forgotten ocean, one shadowed in
a misty haze of brokenness and empty silence. This ocean is
blue-gray in the darkness of my soul, a thinning slice
of a hopeful moon dancing on slowly rocking waves.
   The gray shadows surround my heart as I sit on the
deserted beach. Silent screams echo across the expanse,
only the ghosts of yesterday remain. Storm clouds gather
together and break apart, never settling.
   I stand alone on this forgotten beach, staring into the
forgotten ocean. Mermaid tears float along the top of
the ever-changing water, they glow in the fading light. I
long to scream.
   I long to use my voice, speak what my broken heart
yearns to set free. Yet, my words remain deep within, hidden
and forgotten like this ocean. Trapped within a cage of my
own devising, I waste away.
   I despise this ocean, this cage, these tears. If set free
I would never return. I would close the gates to this
ocean, throw the keys into the restless waters. I am
only a ghost, caught in waves of reality.
   I open my mouth to speak, but my tongue is chained, my
lips forever sealed. I will not say these words which
bubble over like foam on an empty sea. In a tangle
of words, I write to ease my pain, a forgotten ocean.
    Into the frigid waves I leap, into the arms of an icy
grave. She takes my heart and makes it stone, my breath
is caught. She tucks me under satin waves, closing my
eyes and stealing my will to live.
   An icy lullaby caresses the empty air over a forgotten
ocean. All brokenness is now bound in death. Sweet and
tempered, held secure in strong arms beneath the
forgotten ocean.

The Call of Jesus

    You say that I am not real, I do not exist.
I am nothing, merely a myth.
   But I've loved you all eternity, calling and
gathering you to me. A cross I bore to dark
Calvary, but you don't believe what you cannot
see.
   I created every part of you with the love of
a father. Molding you into the person you are.
   Can't you see me in all you do? See my
fingerprints on all creation? See me crying, and
dying, for you? Can't you see how you've broken
my heart?
   I died to save you, bring you home with me.
I long to pull you into my embrace, but you push me
away. Why won't you trust me? Let me carry
your pain, carry your heartache and shame!
   I have proved my love for you, by conquering
death and conquering sin.
   Please, don't give up faith. I stand beside
you, ready to help and guide you. All you have to
do is believe and call on me. Don't push me
away. Let me carry through the storms.
   I'm coming back soon, just wait and see. I'll
be taking home those who believe. Will you come too?
   I love you.

Rantings: Part II

   They do not know me, they can't see me. I will hide behind my outward appearance and let them flock to beauty, while I cling to my truth. And my truth will be all I need to withstand this coming storm. They will perish, but not I with them. They will die alone and I will be buried with my truth and my purity.
   I will remain aloft, afar from their sins and their blood will not stain my hands. They can sleep in their bed of coals and I in my oceans of calm, they are lies and I will no longer listen to them. Let them wallow in their self-righteous ways and I will keep myself to the quiet of silence and the peace of truth.
   They can't touch me. They are liars and I will not listen. Lies cannot penetrate me, will never touch me. Strength is within me, weakness is in their lies and I will not listen. No longer. No more. No man will capture me any longer.

Lies

   You loved me, or so you said.
It's sad that I believed your lies.
I can't believe that I actually
believed you. And, yet, I love you.

I Never...

I never realized when I said good bye, it would be the last time we ever spoke. I didn't realize that you would just walk out of my life like that, leaving me standing here, broken and cold. I thought you loved me, but I guess not. Or maybe you never did and this was all a lie, a lie that I have lived with. Or maybe it is my fault that you are now gone, maybe I wasn't good enough. All I know is that you have left me to myself, and I loved you.
I loved you with so much of myself that it hurt and now I realize that I never understood. Everything reminds me of you, songs and people on the TV. How could you leave me? Desert me like you did, was I not broken enough before you? People tell me that I deserve better, but maybe I didn't even deserve you. Maybe I deserve the pain that you left me in and maybe I deserve everything I have ever experienced.
But I loved you! I Loved You, with so much of my soul that there was none left to give anyone else. My heart lays in disrepair, shattered by the love I had for you. If love is like this, I don't want any part of it. Love is a poison. But what a beautiful way to die. I fear this love which destroyed me and now I lay here, broken and bleeding. I can take this no longer. Let me die, because this is no way to live.

Clouds

   That cloud's a semi.
That one's a trout.
And that, well, that's the dust of God's
footprints settling out.

Haunted

   I can hear her voice, her screams.
   My body trembles under the strain of her
pain, under the graze of her fingertips.
   She has been stolen away, a ghost, a
muse. Dark and torn she has lain in death's
mysterious pain.
   Her screams are those of one unjustly taken,
a prisoner within herself, trapped. I can see
her, she has no name, no face. But she is there all
the same.
   The whole of me trembles under her anger
and sorrow. And all she wants is for it to
end, to be peaceful once again. In her eyes
all I see is that this corpse, this ghost, is
me.

Cemeteries

  I stood at the edge of my reason, staring deep into the abyss of oblivion. It looks beautiful, the sparkle of a million stars reflected in the black mirror.
  I stood at the edge of my cemetery, blanketed in crimson leaves. I could hear the moans of a thousand dead rising on the wind that shook the trees and shook my soul.
   I stood at the edge of my life, watching it fly past on black gossamer wings, tipped in the blood of my broken soul. I could not breathe, because of the lack of air and could not see because of the lack of light. Darkness wrapped its arms about me and I was swept up in its arms.
   I stood at the edge of forever, praying that I wouldn't fall into the depths of oblivion. A girl, much like myself, stares back at me, her eyes blacker than black. I long to touch her, because she seems so much more lovely on the other side of a black mirror. I touch her face and I die a little, trying to reach her side of the glass.
   And now, I stand with her on her side and I long to return to the sun and those sparkling stars that no longer shine. Darkness is a friend, but he is never kind to those who resist. And I still hear the moan of a thousand dead riding the screams of the lonesome wind, as she whips through the naked trees of autumn.

Morning

   The diamond stars commence to dance as the darkness of night turns to the light of down. Scarlet clouds, woven with gold and silver threads, drift lazily through the sky.
   Sapphire throated birds sing their songs as the fiery sun issues from the shadows. Sending golden rays over the emerald land.
   Silver winged butterflies flit across the ruby sky. They cast tiny, gray, shadows on the crystal flowers below.

Untitled IV

   When is it going to be my turn? When do I get to shine?
When is love going to call on me? When is it going to be
my time? I'm so tired, I'm so tired of bein' blue. I'm so
tired of waiting for you!

Untitled III

   How do you express a feeling when there are no words to express what you feel? What words can describe this feeling of loneliness, betrayal, anger and depression? None. There are no words to express my pain. How I feel and what I want is nothing. No one cares.

Untitled II

   Love is like a gentle breeze
blowing through the summer trees.
   Love is like fresh, sweet, apples
picked among the falling leaves.
   Love is like figure skating
with the person you love in the snow.
   Love is like a gentle rain
falling on the spring flowers.
   My love for you shall never
fail. And though all you do
should go wrong, or all your
friends desert you, I will
remain forever yours. I love
you.

Untitled

   Alone in my solitude, I ache
for anything to make me feel.
   I am contradictory and in
so much pain, that I long
for Hell.

Glass Boxes

   Beauty lies inside of me,
though hidden carefully.
   Death lies all over me,
for everyone to see.
   Poetry hides in my soul,
looking for a safe place to go.
   Evil hides within my heart,
ready and waiting to start.
   Life is full of contradictions,
hidden deep within the prisms.
   We trap ourselves in glass,
coffins built to last.
   We are broken-hearted,
bleeding and departed.
   Someone rescue me,
someone set me free!
   Does no one hear my cry?
Why do we even try?
   Someday I will be released,
given wings and space to breathe.
   Love was a cross bore to Calvary,
Christ's death sets me free.
   Trapped inside a tomb,
hidden in an Earthen womb.
   He breaks the chains, sets me free,
I fly to him, able to be.

Love's Contradictions

I love thee, love thee more than life itself.
Love me back, give me pain and peace.
Offer me roses, deny me rings.
Vow to honor and cherish me.
Embrace my soul to thine, cleave me in two.
Yearn for my voice, cry for my lips.
Offend me not, nor give my love away.
Use thy heart to touch mine and be one.
Love me as I love thee!

They

   They say life is hard and it doesn't get better. But no
one said it would be this hard. No one ever said I would
have to watch my world shatter, breaking into a million
pieces before my eyes.
   No one said it would be easy, but they didn't say
you would have to live in fear. No one said I would have
to watch my heart break every day. Or that I would
watch myself grow old in the mirror, dying every day.
   They say God loves us, that He listens to our prayers.
I'm tired of this God who doesn't seem to hear me, who
doesn't seem to care. I'm tired of people who lie, who lie
about lying. I'm sick of this world and everything in it.
   If God exists, then where is He? Why isn't He here
with me? Why is He letting my family, my life, fall
apart? Does He even listen to prayers anymore? They
say He does.
   What do "they" know anyway? Damn them! Damn "they"
that say God is holy, but curse His name. "They" never
speak truth, hypocrites and murderers. If "they"
aren't sure, then I don't want to listen anymore.
   I refuse to listen.

The Mirror

   I have been to full of tears, to full of anguish, to even begin to express myself. Even in this, my writing. I'm so empty of anything beautiful. I am only tears shed for a dead man, uselessly falling to touch him.
   I have gazed into the eyes of the corpse in the mirror. She has seen to much, felt to many horrors, to much pain. She has lost light and no longer feels pain. I envy her this. I envy her that lack of feeling.
   Her eyes are burdened by all the unshed tears. In her eyes is a kind of horrific truth, a terrifying loveliness, a terrible peace. She has beauty, only in the fact that she no longer feels.
   In my mirror, she stares at me and I at her. We envy each other and she looks away. We cannot stand the weight of what lies in our souls. Both are touched, to deeply, by what we see in the other.
   Hate, love, pain, peace. I graze my fingertips against the glass, touching her face. She is dead, this living corpse. In her eyes is a truth I do not understand. In her gaze I find no hope for what is to come.
   Touched by to much pain, to many horrors passing before our eyes. We long to lie down, just to rest for awhile. To rest in each other's arms, let the world drift by. Just to slip away from all this.
   In her eyes is death. In the mirror, in my eyes, in the gaze of a corpse. In my eyes, in my truth. She can see. She knows what lies ahead. Let me go, drift to her side of the mirror. Hidden forever where she is.
   In my mirror.

Midnight

  I am trapped. Trapped behind
my mask, behind my fears, my
scars. So many secrets I long
to let go, to many that no one
will know.
   If I spoke all the words
in my heart I would break. Break
under the pain and sorrow that
follow those many words. I am
buried.
   This house has been destroyed
and under it's destruction I am
hiding. No one can know me.
I can't let anyone into my pain,
my secrets, my death.
   Where is God? Does He still
hear? Does He still care for
fleeting shadows? Does He still listen
to lowly man or has He given up?
   So much is built up within
me that I can't breathe, can't
focus, can't speak. I drown
in my own silence, in words to
silent to know.
   Does no one know how to hear?
Does no one see me? Are you
blind and deaf? Am I completely
gone?
   Invisible and trapped. No one
sees, they don't want to. No
one hears, they never will.

The Dying Embers: Epilogue

Epilogue

Thomas Jordan murdered the rest of the Todd family in the middle of the night; he then kidnapped the slaves and began his own plantation in the Caribbean. The rumors of the ghost of Zara Todd began after the mysterious disappearance of David Marks, a wanderer and distant relative of Cassidy. He had the same blond curls and deep brown eyes. A week after his disappearance, his bloody, decaying body was found next to the decayed body of Zara. The ghost of Zara Todd still wanders the plantation to this day, but no one will go near to see her. Whenever you get close enough you can still hear the shrill screams of her anguish. Legend says that if you come close to where she hid Cass's body that she will kill.

Many disappearances were later attributed to the vampiric ghost and she has become known to take her vengeance upon any that dare to disturb her in her misery. Maybe one day she will find peace, or maybe she will kill again. No one knows what she will do and no one has ever survived to tell.

The Dying Embers: Chapter 4

Chapter Four: The Ending of All

For years no one knew what had happened to Cassidy Todd. His family offered to pay money for someone, anyone to find him. Only Zara knew what had happened and she alone knew where the body was hidden. Pain tore at her every waking moment, every night she couldn't sleep because of her nightmares. She became thinner and thinner, denying herself food. Her mind was being eaten away with the knowledge that she had destroyed the one thing she had loved.

She would follow the paths through the woods to the place where she had placed Cass, talking to him and driving herself insane with her memories. Even Jordan left her alone now, not even he derived pleasure from kicking a dog when it was down.

Then, one night as she lay in her bed, she heard the sweet laughter of Cassidy. She could hear him calling to her, singing to her. Teasing her into moving. She followed the sound to the edge of the creek bed. There she saw Cassidy's sister, Anna Sophia, the female version of her brother. She stood on the other side of the creek, dancing in the soft light of the stars.

"Zara, dance with me!" she called, her willowy spirit floating and twisting in the savage wind.

"No, no. Please, don't do this to me." Zara mumbled under her breath. Tears began to fall. Then she saw Anna Sophia moving across the creek, as if she was walking atop the water. Eyes wide in terror, Zara began to move backwards, staring at Anna Sophia. Anna's mouth was dripping with blood, her ghostly blonde hair floating about her face. Anna had died a year before her brother, murdered by her lover.

Zara's soul quaked at the beauty of the ghost girl. She longed to be like the apparition before her, she was tired of her guilty insanity. Her soul had been murdered by her own hands, by her own faults and failures. She could feel the tears falling faster as she watched the girl dance around her. The girl's face was beautiful despite the blood that dripped from her face and hands. She held the image of her brother's crestfallen head in her palms, taunting Zara. Zara couldn't breathe, her mistake burning into her weary mind, stealing all her hope of ever living again.

"I've come to claim revenge for my brother." Said the specter. She was smiling, the blood oozing down her face. Zara began to shake, her heart beating furiously in her. She looked down to see a knife, covered in blood. It was the same one she had used to kill Cassidy. Trembling, she took it in her hands and then thrust it deep inside of her chest. She could feel the sharp pain of the knife burying itself in her broken heart and then it was over. Zara's body lay in the emerald grass of the quiet place. Anna Sophia's bloody mouth, smiling above her. Dooming her to an eternity in misery and loneliness.

The Dying Embers: Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Standing, Zara began to walk to the creek to wash the blood from her hands. The moon seemed stained with the blood she had shed, as it stood crimson against the dark. In its light, Zara perceived a man coming from Maria's cabin. This man stumbled about, still drunken and uncleanly. Quietly, she came closer to him, in hopes of getting a better look. Was it a ghost? She wondered. Because, standing in front of her was Jordan. But that wasn't possible, was it? Jordan lay dead in her cabin.

Jordan didn't seem to notice Zara as he stumbled back to his cabin. He was starting to feel drowsy and, through bloodshot eyes, trudged past. Zara took off, running for the creek, quickly washing the scarlet from her hands. When she returned, she gingerly stepped over the body, praying it was Jordan. Shaking, she struck a match and held it to the face of the man.

In terror, she dropped the match. Golden curls hung limply, dyed a deeper red than she knew existed. Deep brown eyes lay, like discarded marbles, near her bed. The dead man was Cassidy Todd, her lover and best friend. Hot tears of regret and horror engulfed her as she took the mutilated head of her lover into her lap. How could she have mistaken her beloved Cass for someone as wicked and evil as Thomas Jordan? She had purposefully caused pain to the man that had loved her; she had tormented him in his last moments as if he was a common scoundrel. Her shame and pain slowly took over her body and she fell into a sleep like state, Cass's head still in her arms.

Her sleep was tormented by nightmares, replaying her acts in her head. She awoke to the sound of a pounding on her door. Casting a terrified glance about her, she looked down to see that she still cradled the head of the dead man. Darkness still cloaked the sky and the moon had not moved since she had fallen asleep. Yet, the pounding on her door remained ceaseless. Carefully, she pushed Cassidy's bloody body into a corner behind the door. Then opening it, she discovered Cassidy.

Pale as a shadow, the ghost smiled at Zara. Taking her hand in his own, he led her to the willows. There he finally spoke.

"Zara, you killed me." His voice was deeper than the thunder and sharp like the knife that had killed him. Every word cutting her deeper than the previous.

"But I?I didn't mean to. I was trying to?"

The apparition interrupted her with words colder than ice. "You did try to kill me. You wanted me to suffer and you wanted me to die like I did. You wanted me to die as if I was a cruel and harsh man."

"Why are you telling me this?!" she pressed her hands over her ears, Cass's blood still staining her hands.

"I want you to have to bear this cross forever. I want your mind to wither with the knowledge, forever echoing with this damning thought. You are a murderer of innocent blood."

With his last words, Cass disappeared from her sight. Leaving behind only a chill in the air that settled over her.

The Dying Embers: Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Zara backed away, slowly. Her fear of Mr. Jordan was apparent. Seizing her arm, he fell upon her neck, kissing her with savage and cruel lips. Struggling, she broke free and ran from him. Deeper and deeper into the sullen forest she tread, his whip are her heels.

Out of exhaustion, she fell to the ground beneath a quivering weeping willow. A creek sped past her and, in despair, she claimed unconsciousness.

Mr. Jordan, being out of breath, came upon Zara's limp body and was glad of the solitude. His way was cruel and when he had finished he slunk back to his cabin. For a lengthy time Zara lay quiet. Wishing for the pain her body was feeling to cease.

She managed to crawl back to her hovel and, in pure agony, fell upon the corn husk bed. When the cheerful sun arose, Zara was pale with fever and chilled to the marrow of her bones. She prayed for death to come, but it didn't. She cried out for someone to save her from her anguish, but no one came.

Then, slowly, she began to concoct a plan to exact her revenge on Mr. Jordan. She would murder him. And no one would ever find out. Yes, that's it, she would kill him after torturing him for all the torment she had suffered at his cruel hands. And when Mr. Jordan came again to claim her, she was ready.

The Dying Embers: Chapter 1

Chapter One

Zara Todd was washing clothing in the backyard of the Todd Plantation. She had lived on this land since she was born. The willows were the only witness to the events of the day. Cassidy Todd, the only son of the master, quietly slipped out the door. Not a sound came from him as he tiptoed behind Zara. She hummed as she hung clothes on the line, her mind on the golden sunset above her.

"Ah ha!" Cassidy wrapped both arms around Zara's waist and lifted her off the ground, spinning about.

"Cass, don't do that! You done frightened me near outta my skin!" Zara turned and smiled at the young man behind her. His honey blond curls encircled his head like a halo. His deep brown eyes were like melted chocolate, they could see to her very soul. She loved him more than any other.

Cassidy gently pressed his lips against Zara's, taking in the sweetness of her mouth. She was like a sweet rain, her voice and mouth like smoky vanilla. He couldn't imagine loving anyone quite as much as he loved her. His fingers tenderly caressed her black curls, loose and flowing in the autumn breeze. The willows danced about them, their graceful branches tossed about on the wind. Pulling away from their kiss, Cassidy took Zara's hand and led her down to the creek. The suns rosy glow hovered over the silently flowing water, only broken by the stony bottom.

"Promise never to leave me?" Cassidy held her to his chest, his heart beat combine with hers.

"Can't promise nothing like that. Don't got no power over whether I leaves or stays. You know that." Zara tried not to cry, but it was truth. As a slave she had no rights of her own. Her mother and father had already been sold away, why shouldn't she be next to go?

"I will never let them sell you away from here. I couldn't live without you by my side. I love you with so much of my heart that virtually none is left to give."

Lifting her face up to his, Cassidy smiled. He knew that he could get his father to do anything he wanted. He was the only son; they had to give him his desires. The dying embers of the sun slipped over the horizon and the moon arose from her bed. A silvery glow encompassed the world inside the willows, a world that only belonged to the lovers, oblivious to everything else.

The moon was high as Zara tiptoed back to her shack. The stars glowed as bright as the sun. She was afraid that someone would be awake and realize that she wasn't in her cabin. The cabins were checked twice a night to make sure that no slaves had gone missing in the night. For some reason, the slave driver hadn't checked them yet, because the door was still closed as she had left it earlier that morning.

As she opened the door it was as if she was in a dream. Mr. Jordan, the slave driver was sitting on her cornhusk bed, his eyes bright in the darkness. As if his eyes were that of a tigers, they smoldered hazel in the heat of the room. His hate was apparent, as was his lust.

Where have you been? You were supposed to be here an hour ago. His voice caused Zara's blood to run cold, a prick of fear at her back.

The Dying Embers: Prologue

Prologue

The moon caressed the gentle waters of a rustling creek. The watery bed broken by stones and the decaying body of Zara Todd. A silvery sweet glow reflected the eyes of the young slave girls violently green eyes, wide in the horror of her last breath. A feast for the scavengers, her corpse devoured by the bugs and wildlife. Yet, her eyes remained glossy and intact.

The quivering of the restless breeze stirred the weeping willows of the plantation. A noble house, once inhabited, stood motionless. As if it had never been touched by evil or murder. A girl could be seen wandering in and amongst the willows, barefoot and bloody. Her black curls matted with blood, leaves and the earth to which she was married.

For a moment, she stopped. Waiting in the silence for some sign of her lover, long gone from the place. Her violently green eyes were sunk deep in her thin face. Her, light, cinnamon-colored skin glowed iridescent in the light of a fiery moon. Her dress, caked in the blood of her struggle, hung loosely from her bony shoulders.

Slowly, she knelt beside the body that had once been her own. Her trembling fingers brushed the cadavers face, tears chorusing down the specters own face. Gradually, her eyes searched the horizon, haunted by an undeserved fate. Then, from deep within the soul of one unjustly murdered, came a scream. The screams of anguish flourished and echoed in the silence of a callous world. The willows trembled with the pain of the sound and, in the echo; the blood of a lone traveler was turned to ice.

Warily, the lone traveler crept up to the place where the apparition lay. Stretched over the corpse's body, the phantom wept tears of ice and blood. Her eyes remained ajar and flooded by her tears. Hearing a twig snap, her violent green eyes turned on the stranger. In that moment, all that entertained his mind was to escape his peril. Yet, in that moment, his peril became reality. When the spirit arose, he was dead upon the fallen leaves of autumn. Blood covered his body, the ghostly girl's mouth dripping with it. Gently, she smiled at her victim. He was not her original prey, but the randomness of the violence eased her tortured soul. From then on she devoured all that strayed into her path.

Irish Rose: AKA: Grey Soul

   Silence grows, soft wind is whispering, silence falls and rose is fleeing.
Fleeing the cold, fleeing the violence, rose is dying slow.
Silence haunts the dreary halls, sweeping through the shadow's grave,
falling farther than the winter, sweet sleepy rose.

   Chill the air, hang the cross, let your weary head down, down.
Sleep my heart, cold and linger, flee the shadows rose.
Sweet are memories, long dead on the snow. Dying kiss for a dying
rose. Ireland's lover, rose falls silent, let your red heart bleed.

   Soft and gentle, winds may call her, harsh and violent the Devil's hand.
Rose has no where to lie her head down, rose shall die alone.
Silence grows, soft winds whisper, silence falls, rose is fleeing.
Flee the moon, flee the cold, die Irish rose upon the snow.

Cold Nights

   Cascading light, shivering cold,
snow falling through the barren trees.
Sometimes I just feel so old,
as if many years have gone and I've just been told.
Snowflakes flutter and fall on the breeze.
   Night falls, the moon casts
silver shadows on the crisp, white,
snow. From the window, the trees look like masts
on imaginary ships. Sleep comes like cats
tiptoeing through the bright, cold, night.
   A secret hideaway, hidden in the snow,
only footprints show the way to our place.
No one can tell, because they don't know,
we won't say, our sleds in tow.
By the fence, tucked away, that's our space.
   Silver leaves still hang from the old,
crestfallen trees. A time for everything,
summer is so very hot, winter is so very cold,
spring is flowers, autumn leaves of gold.
Their beauty and grace makes the whole world sing.

Myself: The Poem

   The moon is my soul,
the stars are my mind,
the wind is my voice,
and the dark is my eyes.

Encouragement

   Let us carry the
banner of Christ.
   Though we fall, we
continue on. Though
all around us fails,
His might never will.
   We struggle not in
vain, but for the
love of the one who
died for us, we
carry on in the
everlasting battle.
   Let us be held
forever in His arms.
We are his forever.

Awry

   We're falling apart. You won't even speak to me. Where did we go wrong? We were so happy and then we weren't. You say nothing is wrong, but I can feel the distance.
   I'm calling your name, you don't hear anymore. I'm leaving and you're not even waving. I'm crying and you're shrugging off the pain we're both feeling.
   The space between us screams out. We're drifting and can't even see each other anymore. We're changing and I'm scared that we won't stay together. You're drifting further with every moment's passing.
   I'm missing you so much. I don't want our friendship to disappear with the ocean's tide. We're being pulled apart by the anger of the world around us.
   Such pain as to lose my best friend. I'm still here, even to the end. I love you my friend, my very best friend.

Friends of my heart

  Sometimes my life seems jumbled.
I feel like a train off the tracks,
colliding with the pain inside.
   I try to hide it behind a smile,
but someone saw it all the while.
You always see my sorrow, no
matter how hard I try to keep
the agony deep inside.
   When I'm with you, life seems
right. You fill the hole where
my fragile soul needs it most.
   You are the light that I keep
in my heart. You show Jesus'
love when nothing is right.
   You have been, and always
will be, the reason I'm alive.
   Sometimes my life seems jumbled.

Abused

   Feeling so hurt, so desperate for escape. Praying
for safety from the dark which ever haunts me.

Daughter of Darkness

   I'm the daughter of the dark, sister of the wind, wife of the shadows, mother of the silence. I'm a wandering ghost, a distant memory. I'm forgotten, abandoned, alone, rejected.
   I'm being called into the light, pulled away from my troubled past. The light of love pulls me toward Him. I'm scared, afraid of pain. He caresses my shadowed, hollow, face. He whispers light into the corners of all my being.
   He leads me on, into the sparkling sunlight. At first, I cringe to see my filth. I try to hide myself from Him, but He gently speaks words of comfort and I follow.
   He washes my clothes in blood and they turn white and glorious. He places a crown of silver stars on my head and leads me to His Father's throne.
   We stand before the author and finisher of my faith and He lights my heart. My heart blazes with the fire and passion of being loved, no matter what I've done.
   I'm not the wife of the shadows. I'm a bride of the Son. I'm not the mother of the silence. I am going to be the mother of future believers. I'm not the sister of the wind. I'm the sister of the light. I'm not the daughter of the dark. I'm the daughter of the King of Love.

Rose

   Life is funny, like a rose.
It can be sweet and lovely,
yet cruel and piercing at
the same time.
   Each life is like a rose,
but the way you look at
it is what counts. You can
look at the beauty or you can
look a the pain.
   I, unfortunately, have chosen
to look at my life as pain, in
doing so, I missed the beauty.

Painful Endings

   To ease my pain,
I took a knife to my skin.
Once I was bleeding, I
cried. What had I done?
   To ease my pain,
I took my pen and wrote
angry words. Once I was
crying, I read it again.
   To ease my pain,
I killed myself. I looked
down and saw the people
I hurt and I cried.

My Confession of Love

   All I think about is You. Your face is all I can ever see. Every time I think of you, I cry and slip further into dreams. I cry at night when I remember your voice. I wish I'd done things differently. I wish I'd begged you to stay.
   I wish I'd told you what I was feeling, how much I really cared. I should have told you when I first began to feel, the feelings in my heart that caused my head to reel. I love you is all I wanted to say, but when I got the courage it was just too late.
   All I think about is sleeping so I can see you. In my dreams, I see You for your soul and you see me for mine. We love each other, in my dreams, and we rarely ever fight. You really care and you fill my world with love and light.
   My friends were right. I should have told you how I felt that day. The truth is my heart was so full, I couldn't think of words to say. I meant to tell you all summer long, but now it's too late, you're already gone. I miss you more than words can express.
   This poem would go on forever if I stated what was on my heart. I'm afraid of what your reaction would be. You could tear my world apart. I'll say it now, but only here. Before I regret it and run in fear.
   I love you. Hope, light and love be yours 'til next we meet.
I said it, my poem, now, complete.

Blood of September

*Note, I no longer believe what I wrote in this poem and this was from a younger age. Please take that in stride whilst reading this particular poem.

   My life was changed that day.
Images of safety were shattered and swept away.
   Pillars of smoke and flying bodies.
Planes in field and building.
   Collapsing, with the rest of our lives.
Dust and smoke overtaking those below.
   We prayed it was an awful dream,
but our hearts could hear the terrified scream
of those who were trapped inside and never
came out alive.
   Our hearts bled for families who
were torn apart by evil men.
Did we deserve this?
   A nation that's forsaken God,
we came together to make a simple prayer.
Our hearts still bleed as we cry for
those who are in Iraq and die.
   When America will you turn back
to your heavenly father? Must we
suffer another 9/11 to realize how much
we need God?
   While prayer is banned in school,
my bible I should not read,
"under God" cannot be said and
hearts continue to bleed.
   They continue to bleed and
long for one to save them, but
refuse to let Him in.
   My life was changed that day.
Images of safety were shattered and swept away.

Death Most Tragic

Wind carry my dying soul
   o'er yon river of hope.
Cast not my weary spirit
   into the tide of the ocean of sorrow.
Sky, cry for me tears that
   fill my heart.
Earth open your arms
   and embrace me.
Sun, shine not as I fall into
   my bed, my bed of eternal rest.
Moon, sing as my broken heart
   finally rests. Let it rain o'er
   me as Death comes to claim
   his hollow bride.

Rivers of Blood

Rivers of blood flow down to the mouth of death. He drinks
it all in and won't give it back. A broken body covered in a
riddle of scars, rivers of blood flow.

Rivers of blood flow amongst dead leaves and crystal snow.
A broken body covered in a riddle of scars, rivers of
blood flow.

Rivers of blood flow, death's sweet covering. Rest only
everlasting. A broken soul clothed in riddles of scars,
rivers of blood flow.

Suicide Trilogy: Part III

   I'm disappearing, fading away.
Curling into the quiet black surrounding
me. Fear is like a winter coat I'm
unable to put away. Even my
skin shrinks away from my touch.
You're hurting me, killing me
slowly. I want to die now, let
me go!
   I'm disappearing, fading away.
Clinging to the last strand of life.
Blood is flowing out, no way to
stop it. Nothing I do will
stop the crimson flow. I'm
screaming, "Someone save me,"
but you can't help. I did it to
myself, I killed myself.
   I'm disappearing, fading away.
Slipping further and further into
my grave. You kiss my lips, but
death won't let me feel it. I
try to grasp your arm, but I
can't feel anything. your tears
caress my chilled skin, my blood
caresses your fingertips.
   I've disappeared, faded into oblivion.

Suicide Trilogy: Part II

   The sun is shining through the trees.
I can't feel anything. Nothing is moving.
I can't move at all. I think I am
dead. I see my reflection in a dim
mirror. My feet don't touch the
ground, my face is twisted, a rope
about my neck. My eyes are closed,
my face is pale, now I know I'm gone.
   Suddenly, the reflection changes. I see
pain filled eyes, tired hands and weary
feet. I replay my actions in my head. I'm
so desperate, maybe even selfish. I want
the pain to stop, the emptiness to go away,
a flood of relief to sweep over me.
   I slip my head through the rope's
loop. Tears flow from my soul as I
kick the chair out from under me. For
a few moments, I'm suspended, in more
pain than before. Everything is going
black now, the last thing I see is my
still form. I think I'm free.
   The sun is shining through the
trees, but I don't see it.

Suicide Trilogy: Part I

   Pain, swirling, hurting, dreadful, terrifying, pain. No way
to end it. I can't find the path out! Where is the light at
the end of the tunnel? Where is my rescuer? What else
is there to do? I can't get help, I don't know where to
find help. What else can I do?
   Swinging. Swinging. From a pole hangs a still
figure. The life is gone, his breath, his spirit, his soul,
gone. One of the Lost.

A Glimpse

*Inspired by me whirling a glow-stick above my head in the dark.

   Wanting to touch it, yet daring not. An endless tunnel of time. The blue light spins ever faster, glowing brightly, leading the way to my future, my endless time.
   Glowing in the stillness of the night, putting the stars to shame. Twinkling through the past, shining through today, burning through forever. A burning kiss on my lips, gasping at the intensity. A glowing light, a candle in the frigid night.
   A gaping, never-ending, ring of light. Sending a shower of light on my bed, shattering my peaceful sleep. A chasm of the future.

Vanity Olden

   Vanity, olden days you are.
   Prepare a place and lay to
rest, you are dead and gone
to bed.
   You are lost and I am glad.

Whispers in the Wind

   The wind eagerly whips through the trees, bending their knees to it's will. Each tree, flower and weed bow to the power of the wind.
   Each leaf, on every branch, dances to the music the wind plays for it. First lowly, then faster and faster.
   A lone voice singing in the quiet of night. A soft lullaby, quietly singing everything to sleep.
   Someone whispers into the wind and listens as it carries that whisper through valleys and across mountains.

A Dance in the Dark

   Shadows dance through the silvery wood on soft, silent feet. The moon watches them through the trees, her light shining on the silver wood.
   September's tarantella has begun. The shadows leap about, the diamond stars smile, and the diamond leaves dance on the gentle breeze.
   Hopes rise as the dance begins. Fears vanish and screams cease. Kisses and promises made in the dark, stolen moments taken in the peace of the wood. Lost chances are renewed in this one moment.
   Shadows dance through the silvery wood on soft, silent feet.

A Poem for the Dead

   In the universe that hid in the darkness of your eyes,
In the solemn light of your smile, the tender touch of your spirit to mine;
I slipped into a dreamless sleep.
   You were a Grecian goddess, one more lovely than Venus in her prime.
Cloaked in ivory skin and a dress of deepest crimson,
you faded from my sight, faded into blackest nights far from my arms.
Remain in my heart a little longer, dearest muse and forever
remain the only love I have ever known

The Depths of Eternity: Part II

   Adrift in a sea of depression.
The whirlwind of despair.
   I quiver and shake with fear
and deep sorrow.
   All time is lost, all battles cease, yet
the war continues pounding hideous music in my head.

The Depths of Eternity: Part I

   Star Crossed time, breathing down my neck, unto
the depths of eternity.
   Sweet influences of time, straining, rushing, reaching for
something unknown. Unless it be known to any on Earth.
   Sorrow cuts like a knife. Pain bursts apart an already
torn heart. Souls lose their ways.
   Adrift in a sea of depression, the whirlwind of despair. I
quiver with sorrow and shake with fear.
   All time is lost, all battles cease, yet, the war keeps
raging in my head.

Why Us?

   You're black and I'm white.
They say "us", together, isn't right.
   They threaten us and scream.
Maybe, one day, they'll run out of steam.
   Your eyes are brown, mine are blue.
They don't see what I see in you.
   All they see is your skin and color.
All I see is your love and valor.
   We stand under a lot of abuse.
Sometimes we wonder, what's the use?

A Poem about Love

   Confusing, heart-wrenching,
mind-boggling.
   Confusing 'cause you never
can tell. Heart-wrenching  when
they don't love you. Mind-boggling
when they do.

Mismatch Poem

   I loved you, love me!
   Let me breathe fire from
deep in my soul. Soulfire and light.
   Sweep love aside, for
the stars never burned so brightly
as when a broken heart cried.

Electric Night

   Electric night. I see dark clouds and hot blue lightning. A moon peeking from behind a tree. You can see the pinpoints of electric activity. Your hair stands on end, because of the electric charge.
   Everything you touch shocks you. Trees catch fire and spreads until the whole night is alive with activity and heat. The electricity spreads through the muscles and into the eyes. They burn bright even when all the rest is washed away. Electric night means intensity. Alive and unchallenged, like the ocean, like the lightning.

Like an Ocean

   Like the ocean's waves pounding on the shore, so my heart beats furiously within me. It sighs, sobs and cries out for love, but never receives what it needs.
   It crashes and wails and breaks apart when it hits the shore. Collapsing under its own weight. Galloping like furious horses to the end of the race.
   Stars crash and fall, colliding with the cold and salty depths, pulsating to the bottom. The beat of the heart within, breaking the icy bonds.
   A prison made of blood and bone encasing the pulsating heart within the still chest. No life, no breath, no beat. Just the stillness of tomorrow and the terror of yesterday.
   A time of sudden immersion in one's own mind and body. Collapsing within oneself, never to return. The pulsating of the music growing ever louder in my brain.

A Day in Paradise

   Yelling, screaming, cussing, fists flying. Just another day in Paradise. The kids hide behind the couch while Mama and Daddy yell.
   Daddy smacks Mama and she hits him with a glass bottle. The glass breaks with the force, sending shards of beer bottle glass to the floor.
   Mama tells him to get out and Daddy screams back. Then he grabs his beer and leaves, slamming the door behind him.
   The kids cower behind the couch and listen as Mama screams at the door. She falls to the floor and takes a sip out of her bottle.
   Yelling, screaming, cussing, beer swigging, drug dealing. Just another day in paradise.

Hell

   Eyes open slowly, revealing an emptying black abyss
which swallows all thought and feeling. Flames spring from
the depths and reach fiery fingers to grasp your heart.

Life Song

   We are born...
   Then we die.
   We live life for a moment and then it is gone. It is but a breath. A breath drawn quickly from the depths of the innermost recesses of a being.
   A flower at the beginning of summer, fading toward the end of fall.
   Life is a book. It is open, then it is closed.
   A bright light that goes out with a small breath of air. A tree that grows overnight, then is cut down. A slice of cake that is gone in a single bite.
   Life is a song. It swells and grows, then fades at the end of the music.

Trapped

   I'm here all alone, waiting for something better, hoping it won't be long. Something much better than this. My identity is gone. I don't know who I am anymore. My hopes along with my identity. Eternity won't be long coming. Lost and alone. Fearing the dark of night.
   Haunted by demons and tormented by my fears. Ever alone, trapped in my head. No escape, no help. Trapped. What happens If I don't escape? I'm becoming more desperate with every word I write.
   With my last breath I cry for help. No one hears me as I sink into my eternal resting place.
   I'm here all alone, waiting for something better, hoping it won't be long. Something much better than this. My identity is gone. I don't know who I am anymore. My hopes along with my identity. Eternity won't be long coming. Lost and alone, fearing the dark of night.

Shattered Peace

   Flames flash through the night, bright against the violent darkness. The moon looks down and sees the sparks fly on the winds of the west. Blue spreads through the sky, orange spikes the stars. Red douses the silver moon, tears of blood fall into the continuous yellow of the flames.
   Diamonds fall in meteor showers. Rain begins to fall. Calm is replaced with violent eruptions of fire. Ghostly lights grab onto the tears and fall.

So Lonely

   I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask? Will someone
please save me from this place? Don't let me rot here!
   Help me! Get me away from here. I'm drowning in this stagnant
pool! When will love find me? When will I breakaway from here?
   If I run, where will I go? I'm dying, but I can't escape. The
walls are closing in on me, help me! I wish I was dead!
   I'm so lonely. I  can't escape it and I'm running so fast.
God, where are you? Holy Spirit intercede on my behalf! Help!