Drinking the Poison

"If you drink too much from a bottle marked 'poison,' it's almost certain to disagree with you sooner or later."
- Alice; "Alice in Wonderland"

There is poison inside of me. A poison I continue to drink from, daily.
It is from a wound; a festering mark on my insides.
I let it grow. I leave it untended. I let the words, the actions, build up.
I leave it open to the air; exposed to infection.
It has become toxic and I don't lance it. I just let it rot.

I don't know how to cure it, what anti-dote might work.
I don't know how to care for myself, because I feel uncared for.
The sharks of memory circle the piece of me I try to hang onto.
They circle, scenting my blood, craving the final cascade into insanity.
Its your fault, its your fault, its your fault.

You did it to yourself.
You deserve it.
You are worthless.
You are horrid.
You are ugly.
You are stupid.
You are hated.
You are worthless.
You are nothing,
nothing, nothing.

But I want to be SOMETHING.
I long to be WORTH IT.
I want to be BEAUTIFUL.
I want to be LOVED.
I want to be INTELLIGENT.
I want to be MORE than nothing.

To be more than nothing, I have stop drinking from the poison.
I have to stop taking in the words and letting them fester.
And letting them grow, until I want to slit my skin to bleed it out.
To be more than nothing, I have to let it go.