All of Her: Chapter Sixteen

I go out to brunch with Noah, though I'd rather stay home and sleep. Even though I'd rather wallow in my own misery with no outside interruptions. Even though I'd rather do anything else in the world right now. It would be rude to ignore an invitation for brunch from my bestest best gay guy friend. Who puts up with all my bullshit. And my self-destruction.

Speaking of, maybe it is a good idea to be out and about. I could pick up another stranger; drag myself down further. There is a world of endless possibilities out there and I am stuck in first gear.

At least he seems to be much happier than we were the other night. If he remembers it, he shows no outward signs. I don't blame him for wanting to block it out, if that is what he is doing. It could just be that he was ridiculously drunk has no memory of anything other than waking up in bed with me.

"You look down this morning. What's up?" he says.

"Nothing really, just frustrated is all." I say.

He nods and orders a white chocolate mocha frappuccino and a pretzel bread sandwich. He smiles at me while I order a green tea chai and a wild strawberry and spinach salad. We sit in comfortable silence for a short time before he speaks again.

"I was thinking. You really need to start taking your own advice. And taking my advice." He takes a sip of his drink. I already know what is getting ready to come.

"Look, Noah, I appreciate what you are trying to do. But you know you aren't going to dissuade me. I'm too stubborn for that. Why can't we just enjoy a nice brunch before I have to face any consequences for my actions?" I sip my beverage and take a big bite of my salad. I already know what he wants to say. I am too tired to deal with a lecture.

"Why do you never want to face what is going on? You can't continue to live your life in the dark, pretending there is no such thing as light. You have to face the facts eventually."

"But I don't right now. Not unless you try to force me too. Which seems to be your intention. And if that is the only reason you wanted to have brunch, I'll leave now and save your breath. I guarantee that if you try now, the effort will be wasted." I take another bite of my salad and calmly signal the waitress.

"Don't be a child, Abe." he says.

"Yes, I'd like a to-go box for the rest of this please. As well as the check."

"Come on, Abra."

"Separate checks, please." I pull my wallet out of my purse and begin counting out the money for my portion of the bill. I even pull out a little extra for the tip, though our waitress didn't get to wait on us for very long.

"Abra, seriously, knock it off. You are a grown woman, act like one!" I stop and look at him. He is red in the face, trying to control a burst of temper. He has always been tempestuous. Such a lovely face, he has. I reach across the table and pat his cheek.

"Sorry, darling. I am a grown woman and I can, therefore, make my own decisions, be they wrong or right. I am going to do as I please, you know that. You can't stop me. You have tried, valiantly in fact. You have given it your best effort, now let it go. Let it drop before you have an aneurysm over it." I stand up and grab my things, making for the door. He grabs my arm and pulls me toward him. I do not face him, letting him hold my arm behind me, my back facing him.

"Abra, I can't give it up. I care about you, please. Please, just stop before its too late." I don't turn, but I can hear the sadness in his voice. There is sadness in my own as I pull my arm away.

"Its already too late." I don't look back as I walk out the door.

I walk home to my empty apartment. I lock the door behind me and sit on the couch. Snuggles comes up and meows at me. I reach down to pet him and end up pulling him up next to me. Its too early in the day to go to the bar, which I fully intend to do, so Snuggles and I watch a movie. I finish my salad and my drink from the restaurant. I unplug my phone and power off my cell. I don't feel like talking to anyone and I know Noah is going to try call eventually. He always does.

I play around on my computer and listen to music. I have changed so much, God and the saints can't help me now. All of the ropes holding me back have been undone. I wish David could see just what he's done to me. What I've done to myself because of him. He wouldn't care, I know he wouldn't. I wish he would. I wish he'd see just what a mess he's made. I wish Alice would see it and feel ashamed. I wish they would both beg for forgiveness.

It wouldn't matter if they did, though. I would deny it. I could never forgive them. I wish them all the unhappiness I have felt since that day in the church. Since I discovered the truth behind all the lies. I'm spending so much energy being angry I can't see what I'm really doing to myself and to my friends, to my family.

As the day wears on, I begin to get ready for a night out. I'm going back to "Alice's Wonderland" and maybe I'll find some other stranger to seduce. Maybe I'll find that cute Korean again and bring him home with me. Endless possibilities lie before me.

I don't dress with as much care as I did the last time. I put in a pair of sparkly earrings, a shimmering lipstick and glitter mascara. I put on my favorite pair of bright white jeans and a rhinestone encrusted blouse. I slip into a pair of bejeweled flats and decorate my arms with shiny metal bracelets. Tonight I intend to shine under those bright lights. For better or worse, I will make a lasting impression.

I pick out a sequined clutch before kissing Snuggles goodbye and heading out the door. I hail a taxi and arrive just as the club comes alive. I am filled with pleasure as I enter and see the cute Korean gentleman from last time. I am filled with even more delight as all eyes look at me, sparkling and radiant in the darkness. The girls look at me jealously and the men admiringly. Even he stops and stares at me. I wonder if he recognizes me. I feel like Cinderella as I head toward the bar.

I find myself in a bit of a pickle as I realize that I have completely forgotten the cute Korean's name. Damn. He heads my way, almost as soon as I sit down at the bar. I watch with growing anticipation and nerves. Why can't I think of his name? It was a one syllable name! How difficult can it be to remember?

He sits next to me and hands his card to the bartender.

"How are you?" he asks.

"Well, and you?" We have to practically shout as the music pumps through the speakers. I smile, my most flirty smile and take a sip of a drink. I don't even know what I'm drinking, its just a drink that the bartender handed me.

"Much better now that you are here." He winks and orders a drink for us. I laugh because I haven't even finished the freebie the bartender handed me.

We drink for a little bit before heading to the dance floor. I love the way he dances, all over me and so much more than just the arm dancing that so many other guys do. I sway against him and dip down. I don't know how long we dance, but he is the only one I dance with all night.

We take a break and I get more to drink. I drink until I know that I will forget half the night. I hope I forget everything. After my seventh Cherry Pomegranate margarita, I dance some more. Well, I think I'm dancing. In reality, however, I am falling gracefully. I give up after a little bit and head back over to the bar. I sit down and drain another glass of alcohol.

"Baby, you're lookin' fine! I'll have you open all night like you're I-HOP." says a voice behind me. I turn around to see a guy about my age trying to pick me up. I'm drunk, but I'm not quite drunk enough to be impressed with that line. Especially since he just stole it from the song that is blaring through the speakers currently.

"Excuse me?" I say, an eyebrow raised.

"Is it full of myself to want you full of me?" He tries to slip a hand up my thigh.

"I think I've had my fill, actually." With that quip, I get up to go back to the dance floor. He grabs my arm in a hard grip, turning me to look at him. If not for the bad pick up line and the current abuse to my arm I probably would be a little more interested. However, at this point I am very annoyed and getting to the point of kneeing him in the balls.

"I didn't say you could leave," He says. His face is close to mine like we are going to kiss. His breath smells like liver and onions. Speaking of liver, he has some stuck between his teeth.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that I needed your permission." I say and yank my arm out of his grip. I begin to walk away again, this time toward the door. I hear jerk-face following behind me. This isn't going to be good.

He grabs me again and shakes me a little. That's when my handsome gentleman comes up.

"Is there a problem?" He asks, very politely. He looks at me and completely ignores the brute trying to force me to go with him.

"Fuck off, asshole." says the brute.

"Where do you think you're going with my girlfriend?" asks my handsome gentleman. I am almost too drunk to catch what he just said. However, I'm not stupid and I play along.

"This bitch is your girlfriend?" laughs the bully. He seems to think that no one would want to date a gorgeous Korean guy. How could I prefer anyone but him?

"Yes. And I'd prefer that you not call her a bitch or we may have a problem." The brute loosens his grip on my arm and focuses on my defender. Out of nowhere he takes a swing at him and my hero ducks just in time. When he comes back up he decks the brute in his face and a full out brawl begins. Once the bouncers have pulled them apart the brute has a broken nose and is bawling like a baby. My hero has a busted lip, but little else. I grab a napkin, go to him and gently press it to his lip. He winces, but he smiles at me.

"Let's go," I say. He nods and we leave the brute lying on the floor howling in rage. We hail a taxi and go back to my place, where I provide him with an ice pack for his lip.

"Thanks," he says, pressing it gently to his mouth.

"No, thank you for defending me against that jerk. I really appreciate it." I go to the cabinet and bring out a bottle of Bailey's and beginning drinking again. I'm drunk, but not completely wasted yet. I need to be after that excitement.

"Why are you so hell-bent on being drunk?" he asks, trying to take the bottle from me.

"Because I can't stand who I am otherwise." I say simply. I'm rather honest when I'm drunk. "I don't want to remember any of this in the morning. I just want to be so hung-over I stay in bed all day."

"What about you can't you stand?" he asks.

"Everything now. I used to be someone I admired. Now I'm just a whore and a godforsaken drunk." I take another gulp of my drink.

"You aren't a whore." he says. However, it is no use defending me against myself. Especially since I'm drunk.

"You don't know that. You don't even know me. I could seduce you right now and prove it."

"You couldn't seduce me, unless I wanted to be seduced. And I may not know you well, but I can sense things about people."

"What are you psychic?" I say, nastily.

"No. I just know that a whore wouldn't hesitate before going into a club. I know that a whore would've taken the first guy up as soon as he showed up. A whore wouldn't have hesitated to take that asshole's bait."

"It was a horrible pick up line."

"You are too picky to be a whore, then."

"Shut up!" I say. "You still know nothing about me."

"No, I don't. But I'd like to."

"No you don't. You just want to get in my pants. Which is fine, I'd like to see what you are working with myself. So just drop the act, skip the foreplay and let's go."

"I'm serious, I'd like to get to know you. Not so I can have sex with you. Not for any fake reasoning. I truly, honestly, want to get to know you. The real you. Not the one who claims to be a 'whore and a godforsaken drunk'."

"I'm an accountant. I work at a book store. I have a best gay friend. My ex-fiancé left me waiting at the church on our wedding day for my ex-best friend. That is all there is to know."

"That's not all there is to you, but its a start." He smiles a lopsided smile, his swollen lip impeding a full smile. I don't smile. I drink some more. He tries to get me to talk some more, but I refuse and after it becomes apparent that we aren't going to do anything but sit while I drink he gets up to leave. I stand, unsteady, and wobble over to the door. He kisses my cheek and I slam the door behind him.

There is really no reason that I should be mad at him. I'm not actually mad, I suppose. My night has just gone all to hell and I still feel like I'm not drunk enough to survive it. I pass out on the couch, my bottle of Bailey's in my hand.

I wake up, sixteen hours later, to a knock on my door. My head feels like it is full of cotton and my mouth tastes like an old gym shoe. My body aches from sleeping half off the couch for so long. I have to pee, really bad. I stumble to my feet and wince. Everything screams at me and the knocking produces a pounding in my cotton ball brain.

"Abra!" says a voice on the other side of the door. It sounds more muffled than it should to my addled head.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." I murmur and slowly shuffle toward the door. I don't unhook the chain, which I don't remember putting on last night, and crack the door to see who it is.

However, it is all in my head, because there is no one at the door. I'm losing my mind, I think. I stumble towards the bathroom as fast as I can, before I make a puddle on the floor. I make it in time, but I hear a knocking on the door again.

"You've got to be kidding me." I say. I flush and wash my hands, taking my time to the door. I have no idea who it could be. I glance at the clock and see that it is a little after seven. What the hell happened last night? I vaguely remember a fight or something. I remember drinking myself to sleep.

"Abra!" says the voice on the other side of the door.

"I'm coming, keep your pants on!" I shout. I unchain the door and yank it open. "What?"

I startle Noah, mid-knock. He holds his nose as he walks by me into the apartment.

"You reek of alcohol, Abe. What the hell have you been doing? Bathing in it?"

"No, I just had a few drinks last night." I pull my shirt up to sniff it and then hold my nose too. I do reek.

"I've been trying to call you all day. You didn't go to work, your Mom didn't know where you were. I was beginning to think something horrible had happened."

"You called my mom? Why would you do that? Now she is going to worry about me." I plop back down on the sofa.

"She's already worried about you. You haven't been going to work. You haven't been going anywhere but the bar. You are going to get fired, Abe."

"I can take care of myself, Noah. I'm fine."

"I hope so, Abra. I would hate for you to lose everything you've worked so hard for because of this stupid quest you are on to ruin yourself."

"I'm fine, Noah. I'm not going to lose my job. I haven't missed a day in three years, I'm sure missing a couple days isn't going to ruin my career. Go home, so I can take a shower."

He kisses my cheek and goes to the door.

"Be careful, Abra." With that, he closes the door and I am alone again.

I go plug in my phone and power up my cell. I never turned them back on, which is why I didn't hear the phone ringing. I have twelve missed calls. Two from my mother, two from Anna, three from Kevin, one from a number I don't recognize and four from Noah.

I have a couple voice messages as well, which I listen to. One of which is from the number I didn't recognize.

"Hey, this is Adam. We met at the bar the other night and I was just calling to see if you'd like to go out to dinner sometime. Hit me up, if you're interested."

I don't remember giving out my number to anyone. But it can't hurt to call him back. After all, I am on a "stupid quest" to ruin myself. I don't listen to any of the other messages, because I know what they'll say and call the number back.

"This is Adam." says the voice from my message.

"Hey, Adam. This is Abra. You called and left me a message. Apparently we met at the bar the other night?"

"Oh hey! Yeah, we did. Don't you remember? We made out for a little while and you gave me your number."

"Oh. Of course I remember. I was just checking to see if you remembered." I am totally bluffing, I have no idea what he is talking about.

"Well, I just wanted to see if you'd like to go out sometime. I mean, if you want to that is."

"I'd love to. Would you like to meet up tonight?"

"Absolutely. Where do you want to meet up?"

"How about the beach?"

We agree to meet at ten at the beach. I will bring my blanket, a few condoms and what is left of my Bailey's. Maybe tonight, I'll get lucky.