All of Her: Chapter Thirteen

Jahan sneaks away from her father's house many times a week to stay the night with me. Her brother lends her his car, not knowing that she is using it to carry on a homosexual affair with me. An affair that revolves around her rebellious love for sex, alcohol, pork and shellfish. An affair that involves the complete removal of her burqa and niqab. An affair that causes me more and more guilt with each passing day.

We never go out in public where she could be seen. Though she admits that only her mother has seen her without the burqa and niqab since she turned thirteen. We carry on in secret, falling deeper and deeper into a pit that I don't think we can escape. Her drunken revelries and sexual exploits are all that matter to her in the abyss.

"You know I would never be able to do anything if I married." She says, out of the blue, as we are eating dinner.

"Why is that?" I ask, nonchalantly munching on my food. I already know the answer. This is a conversation we have had several times already. With each variation my guilt punches me in the stomach harder and harder.

"The more I talk to him, his name is Alec, have I told you that? Anyway, the more I talk to him, the more I realize how deeply in love with the Quran and Allah he is. I would never be seen in public, except completely covered. I would be nothing but a child bearer to him. A sexless sex toy. I wonder if I would even be allowed to continue to read?"

"Maybe he isn't half as bad as you think he is." I say. She looks shocked that I should defend this faceless evil named Alec.

"Maybe you should marry him then." She says, in a snarky tone. "How would you enjoy being used like a doll for his wants and desires?"

"I wouldn't like that, but you don't know if that is the way he is. You told me once that the Quran encouraged respect of women and that your mother chose to be covered so that she would remain pure and set apart for Allah. If that is true, and he loves the Quran and Allah so much, maybe he will respect you as you ought to be respected. Maybe he would not demand that you be covered. Maybe he would actually try to please you sexually. You don't know him well enough to judge him."

"And you don't know him well enough to defend him." She sets her fork down, a little forcefully. I wince at the sound. This is the first time I've tried to argue with her. Normally I would just let her rant and then let her seduce me. Normally I would pretend for a moment that I am in love with her and that we can hide this forever.

"Well, you are always speaking so cruelly about him. I can't help but feel sorry for him. From what you've told me it seems that he is trying to be kind."

"I don't understand why you would want to defend him at all! You do know that my parents are trying to force me to marry this man? That would be the end of us, the end of my life as I know it now."

I keep quiet, though I want to continue to argue. I don't want to argue, really. I just want her to see some other point of view. I take another bite of my food, signalling an end to the discussion. She doesn't seem to think it is over, however.

"I know that you are not like me, Abra. I know that you still hold warm thoughts and memories for men. I can see it sometimes. But you don't know men like I do. You don't understand them like I do. You haven't had to live with them like I have."

Again, I do not respond. I let her rant. After she is done, she puts back on her coverings and doesn't even bother to kiss me goodbye. She leaves, slamming the door. I clear away the dishes and clean up. I feed Snuggles and wonder how I will ever get out of this mess without hurting her. I suppose there isn't a way, unless she decides to leave me.

It is a week before she comes over again. I find that I have missed her intensely as soon as I see her through the peephole. She doesn't bother with hello or how have you been? She pulls off her veil and kisses me. I have taught her too well and she takes me on the floor of the entryway.

We don't say a word the entire evening. We eat a simple meal and I let her do as she pleases. Every now and then I will look up and see her gray eyes staring at me intently. She looks at me, looks through me. I feel as though she can see the guilt building inside of me. She says nothing, though.

She leaves quietly, while I am in the bathroom preparing for bed. When I come out she is gone and I am alone with my cat.

The next night she comes over again. This time we carry on a lively conversation on poetry and she lets me read some of what she has written. I blush to see that she has written poems dedicated to me.

"Can I keep some of these?" I ask, holding one particular poem to my heart.

"I will have to make copies first, but yes you can." She smiles and kisses me.

She stops as she prepares to leave for the evening.

"I've been thinking that we should run away together. Find a place where we could get married and live happily ever after, like in a fairy tale. Wouldn't that be lovely?" She looks at me, her eyes sparkling.

My blood runs cold and my heart comes to a screeching halt. I blink, once, twice.

"You can't be serious." I say. "Think of everything you would be leaving behind. Besides that where would we run? What would we do?"

"No, I'm not serious." She laughs. "I had you going for a moment though, didn't I? I would love to run, though. Free of my burqa, my religion, my demanding parents. It would be nice, though, don't you think?" She laughs again and finishes putting on her niqab. She kisses me and leaves before I can say anything else.

"I can't continue doing this," I tell myself. I feel as though I have stuck my head in the lion's mouth and the only way to get it out is to have it bitten off.

I go out to get groceries and run into David. He has let his hair grow out a little and he looks as handsome as ever. He tries to talk to me and, at first, I ignore him. I grab my items and go through the line as quickly as possible, but he follows me.

"Come on, Abe, talk to me. Can't we at least try to act like civilized adults?"

I turn a venomous gaze on him, making him go silent for a few moments. However, he proves more persistent than I thought he would be. He follows me to my car and after I have put my groceries in it he grabs me by the arms and pushes me against the car.

"I just want to talk, Abra." He says.

"It doesn't feel like you 'just want to talk', David. Let me go." I try to shake free, but it doesn't work.

"Not until you agree to talk to me. Please." I nod, unwillingly, and rub my arms after he lets me go.

"What do you want to talk about?" I ask.

"Anything. How have you been? What are you doing now? Did you get that job at the accounting firm?"

"I'm fine, no thanks to you. I am getting groceries, as you can see. And yes, I got the job. May I go now?"

"Why are you acting like this? All I am doing is trying to be friendly." He throws his hands in the air in frustration. When he does that I notice a glint of silver on his finger.

"You are married now?" I say, stunned. It doesn't feel like it has been nearly long enough for him and Alice to have married.

"Yeah, we eloped to Vegas a few weeks ago." He has the decency to look a little ashamed. He runs his fingers through his hair and then looks at his ring.

"Then we have even less to say to one another. I hope you and Alice are happy together." I try to open my car door, but he closes it again. When I turn around he kisses me. I try to pull away, but find myself melting into it instead. His hands move down to my hips and he presses against me. I feel like I am on fire, even as I try to smother the flames.

"I miss you." he whispers, his forehead resting against mine. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you too." I say, even as I try not to. He kisses me again and all I can think about is his body and mine intwined. I hate this. I hate him. I want him so much. I have been burning for him since the night of Sophie's homecoming dance. I have been trying to substitute his touch with another's, but I can't replace him. I can't forget him. I can't forgive him. And, God help me, I am still in love with him.

He takes my keys, locks my car doors and pulls me into his car. We don't drive very far, just down to a secluded part of a near-by park. His kisses get more urgent and I find myself completely pliant. He pulls down my pants and lets his hands wander where they will. Without thinking I begin to undo his belt buckle and unbutton his pants in a move that looks practiced. We are in the back seat then and he is inside me. I suppress the tears that I know are about to break lose as I give in to what I have been wanting. What he has been wanting.

When he is done, he allows me to finish. Always the selfish lover. I put my clothes back on. I feel disgusting. I feel used. I feel like the doll that Jahan mentioned. I feel so guilty. Because he's married now, because I am with a beautiful woman who loves me, because I never really wanted this. I am so ashamed of my behavior that I don't wait for him to drive me back to my car. Without a word, I get out and walk. He trails me in his car.

"Get in the car, Abra. What are you doing?"

"I can't David. Just leave me alone. You've had what you want, now just let me go." I keep walking, my arms crossed over my chest.

"Please, Abe, just get in the car. Tell me what's wrong."

I stop and look at him. He brakes, throwing it in park. He comes over to me, tries to take my hand.

"What's wrong? David, we just had sex, in your car. In a park no less! And you ask me what's wrong?"

"We've had sex in my car many times, why is that such a big deal?"

"Because we were together then! You weren't married to someone else! You weren't just using me, at least I didn't think so at the time. She may be able to sleep with you when you are with someone else, but I can't. Not without a heavy conscience. Not without regretting every moment as it is happening."

He looks at me, bewildered. How dare he play dumb right now?

"What's wrong with you?" I scream, hitting him in the arm. "You love Alice, so you cheat on her with me? You love me so you cheat on me with her? Why did you even propose if you loved her so goddamn much? What the hell is wrong with you? I hate you! I hate you!"

He raises his arms to defend himself and I hit him until I can't hit anymore. I hit until I am more bruised and broken than he is.

"I did love you. I still do." he says, lamely. "I love her too. She's the one who told me to stay with you. The one who encouraged me to propose. Then, at the last minute she said she couldn't stand to watch us get married. That she loved me too much to let me go."

"Excuses, excuses, David. If you truly loved me, you wouldn't have left me waiting in the church rectory. You would've been a man and told me the truth. All this time and you still can't tell me the whole truth."

"Fine, you want the truth? The truth is I've always been in love with Alice. She is my first love. She gave herself to me and I gave myself to her. Yes, I lied when I said that you were my first. I was only with you because you were so damn pathetic. I felt sorry for you. You loved me so much and I guess I just wanted to make you happy. Alice even encouraged this, because you were her friend. But it went further than either of us thought it would and when it came time to follow through with the promises I made to you I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I couldn't because I loved Alice and I have never truly 'loved' you."

I stand there in shock. My heart has stopped and there is a roaring in my ears. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I pull away from him, tears streaming down my face and I walk back to my car. He doesn't follow now. He lets me go.

I get to my car just before my stomach hits my mouth. I sob as I throw up. I sob until I am completely limp. I can't even drive myself home. I pull my cell out of my pocket and call Noah. He gets there a lot faster than I thought he could. He loads my groceries into his car before helping me in and taking me home. I am quiet all the way home, though Noah asks over and over what is wrong. I can't bring myself to tell him.

He helps me inside and I collapse on the couch. I feel like a wilted flower in a raging desert. He tries to coax me out of my silence with ice cream and alcohol. He tries everything he can to get me to talk, but I just can't. I can't.

Finally he gives up and just holds me. I don't resist. I let him hold me, I let him smooth my hair and kiss my forehead. I let him ramble soothingly for I don't know how long. As the day drags into night he begins to try, again, to get me to talk. He fixes me something to eat, but I can't eat it.

He carries me into my room, as I have lost all the will to move, and helps me change into pajamas. He then tucks me into bed and lies down next to me. He hums a lullaby, while he holds me. I begin to cry again and he lets me. I don't know how long it takes, but eventually we fall asleep. My face swollen from crying and his shirt soaked from my tears.

I wake up with a sore throat from all my screaming, crying and vomiting. I can barely talk above a whisper. Noah is still asleep, his arms wrapped around me, protectively. I feel like crying again, but discover I have no more tears to cry at the moment.

I try to move without waking Noah up, but when I begin to stir so does he. He snaps into full awareness when he sees my puffy face and still tear-bright eyes.

"Are you able to tell me what's wrong now, hon?"

"Maybe once I've had a drink." I croak. "My throat hurts."

"I can imagine from all the crying you did. Of course, I can only account for the crying you did in my presence. God only knows how long you were crying before you called me."

"It felt like forever." I whisper. We go into the kitchen where Noah makes me cup of warm tea.

"What happened, Abe?"

"I ran into David at the grocery." I say, taking another sip of tea.

"Just running into him was enough to make you this catatonic?"

"No. I didn't just run into him. Noah, David and Alice got married. In Vegas, apparently." I wait a moment, trying to gain some courage for the next part.

"I'm not surprised. Since they have been doing this for who knows how long, it is only to be expected that they would get married rather quickly."

"That's not it, though Noah. I had sex with David. In his car. And he is married to Alice. I had sex with him and I'm in a relationship with a beautiful, and rebellious, young woman. And the only reason he was ever with me was because I was so pathetic he felt sorry for me. I'm still so pathetic, Noah." I burst into tears and lean against his shoulder.

He has no words for what I have done. I have no words for it either. I feel so disgusting. I need a shower. I need something to scrub this out of me. I need something to make me forget.

I pull away from Noah. He has even teared up a little and I feel even more guilt.

"Go home, dear. I need a shower. And Jahan may be coming over tonight. I couldn't stand for you to be here when I tell her."

"Are you sure? I can stay however long you need me."

"I can't ask that of you. Besides, there are some things I have to do on my own. You can't always be here to pick up the pieces."

Reluctantly, he leaves me. Once he is gone, fresh sorrow comes. I manage to drag myself into the shower, but only half-heartedly clean myself. I can't summon the strength to do anything. Instead, I slide down to the floor of the tub and hug my knees to my chest while I cry some more.

Eventually I pull myself together enough to get out of the, now cold, water. I dress slowly in jean shorts and a Minnie Mouse t-shirt. I slip on my fuzzy Kermit slippers and pour myself another cup of tea. I try to eat something, but can't bring myself to. I feed the cat instead.

Around eight, there is a knock on the door. I know it is Jahan, but I still peek through the peephole. I open the door slowly as she comes in. She takes one look at me and stops unwinding her veil.

"What's happened?" she says, her hands coming up to caress my swollen face.

"Don't worry about it." I say, brushing her hands away. She seems to make the sincere attempt and finishes undressing. Though she is standing before me naked, I do not feel any stirring. I feel no lust or desire. My only thought is to get her a pair of my jeans and a t-shirt.

"What is wrong? You don't even want to have sex with me?" She takes the jeans and shirt, ruefully. She seems hurt by my behaviour.

"This sexual and religious rebellion can't last forever, you know."

"Where is this coming from? What happened today?"

"We can't continue like this." I say, trying to make her see, make her understand. "Eventually you have to face who and what you are."

"It can last as long as we want it to!" She exclaims. I have never seen her angry. I have seen her in a passionate fury, but never angry. Not like this. It is coupled with fear, I can see it in her eyes. She is afraid for me, of me. She grabs me and tries to kiss me. I shove her away, but she tries again. And, again, I shove her away.

"Why don't you want me, Abra?"

"I don't want our relationship to be like this!" I finally say. I feel so defeated. Since she first told me that she wanted me I have fucked this up. At this point, there is no way she is walking away unscathed.

"You don't want us to be about sex? Fine. It doesn't have to be. I love you for more than the sexual pleasure you give me."

"No, I don't want us to continue hiding everything. It can't last forever, Jahan. One day it has to stop being rebellion."

"How do you want it to be then? Do you want me to out myself to my family? Give up everything to be with you? I will do that. Do you want me to spit in the face of everything I've known? Fine, I will do that. Is that what you mean? Do you want me to burn my burqa and shred my niqab? Consider it done. It will no longer be rebellion. It will be my choice. Will that make you happy?"

"No. I don't want you to do any of that for me. Or anyone else. If you choose to reveal yourself let it be for your sake alone. Not mine."

"I gave myself to you. Told you I loved you."

"I know." The guilt is overwhelming. Not just for the loss of her innocence, but for everything.

"I want to be your lover."

"But I can't be what you want, Jahan."

She looks confused and hurt. She looks furious and so in love. I  imagine I looked the same way when David abandoned me at the altar. I imagine I looked that way yesterday when he told me the truth.

"Can't we try?"

"No."

"Why not?" she demands.

"Because I have been unfaithful. And I always will be unfaithful to you. No matter how I wish I wasn't."

"What are you talking about? Unfaithful how?"

"I am still in love with my ex. I had sex with him. I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this. I swear, I wanted an easy parting."

"You had sex with your ex." She is in the same state of shock I was. She slowly takes off my clothes and begins to put on her own.

"I did." I say. I want her to hate me. At this point I deserve no less. I hate myself even more.

"I should go." She says. She sounds like a zombie, winding her niqab. I grasp her shoulders so that those tear bright eyes are looking into my own.

"I do care about you, I do. Please understand."

"So that's why you've never said 'I love you' to me. You don't love me. You've been using me. You saw me as a doll to be played with. I thought you were different. I thought you loved me. I hate you!" She tears out of my grasp and flies toward the door.

"No, I never meant to use anyone!" I follow her. This isn't what I wanted, but it is what I deserve.

"But you did. And now, I hope you are happy. I hope you are happy with a man who doesn't love you and only uses you for your body. I hope that you regret this moment for the rest of your life." With that she leaves, slamming the door behind her. Out of my life forever.

The next day there is a piece of paper slipped under my door notifying me of Jahan's intentions to marry Alec. Have I ruined her life? Could she ever love Alec? Or will she be a slave as she predicted?

I have felt nothing but guilt throughout this relationship. I used a beautiful girl, without meaning to. Cheated on her. Broke her heart. Corrupted her. Drove her to enslave herself to a man she doesn't love for a religion she no longer believes in.

All for what? For a man who never actually loved me, who only used me. All because I couldn't fall in love with her. I feel as though I have destroyed a stained glass window. Or a rare rose garden. I can't forgive myself.

Tonight, I need to get drunk.