Dear Dad,
I don't know what to say to you. I don't know where to begin or to end. Where do I even start? The beginning or the end?
Auntie
says that I should forget you. That I am better off without you in my
life. She says that you have done many horrible things, many awful
things. She says I am better off without you. Maybe she is right.
My
friends say that I should forget you. That I am better off without you
in my life. That you are a druggie, a criminal. You are never going to
change and what closure am I going to gain? What answer will I receive?
Will reaching you give me any sense of peace? Will finding you give me
any sense of closure? Or will it just bring me down further?
Am I using closure as a crutch, Dad? Do I need it to live? To move on?
Why
do I even care anymore? Why do I bother? If you wanted to contact me
you would, wouldn't you? You know where Auntie is, you could write her
and ask her for my information. You could try. Does it mean that you
don't care since you never ask about me? Or do you ask about me and she
doesn't mention it because she is tired of me putting myself through all
this?
Its my fault that you don't write anymore. That you
haven't written in ten years. Nobody really knows that but me, so it is
understandable that they can't comprehend why I try so hard to find you.
And I need your forgiveness, Dad. I can live without the closure. I can
live with you not caring about me anymore. But I need you to forgive
me.
Forgive that thirteen year old girl who was trying
desperately to recover from the loss of her grandmother. Forgive her for
being hateful. Pardon her for hating you, at the time. She blamed you
for Memere's death. But she was also hurting from promises that were
broken as they were made. Forgive her for sending that hateful letter,
so many years ago, saying she never wanted to talk to you again, because
it was all your fault. Forgive her for falling prey to those horrible
feelings building up in her chest.
Forgive me, Dad.
If I
don't try to get your forgiveness, if I don't try to say I'm sorry, if I
fail, I will never forgive myself. I can't live with myself, knowing
that its my fault and that I didn't tell you I was sorry. Because I am
sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry.
I miss you. I love you. I hate you. I
wish you would give me some sign of something! Anything, really. I just
want to know that sometimes you wonder about me. I just want to know
that you can forgive my stupidity, that you still love me. Or feel some
kind of emotion towards me.
And is that wrong? Is it wrong that I
want this from you? I might receive some kind of closure, knowing I
made the attempt. I tried. I worked hard, trying to fix it. Knowing it
may never be fixed.
I've tried to cut you out of me. I've tried
to drink you away. I've tried to lose you somewhere in my memories, far
from me. I've tried everything I can think of to relieve this horrific
guilt I feel for everything. I've been self-destructive and tried to
rebuild. I've done things I'm not proud of, things I long to go back to,
but I can't let myself. But in the end, you are a part of me.
You
are in my smile, in my laugh. You are in my bloodstream, you are a part
of me that I can never get rid of. No matter how hard I try. You are
wired into me, just like our shared DNA. We are intrinsically entwined.
What do I do? Do I try to fix this? Do I let it go? Could I let it go?
Are you a crutch? Is this just a shameless cry for sympathy and attention?
I
need some sort of resolution. What resolution do I expect? It has been
ten years. Ten years and I can't forgive myself, or you. I can't let it
go and I can't make it right.
So where does this leave us?
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