All of Her: Chapter Twelve

I want everything to be perfect for Jahan. I try to take this slowly. The first step being asking her out on a proper date. Which I don't know how to do because I've never asked anyone out on a date before. Which would be where Clark comes in. Of course, all of this is going to have to wait until after graduation.

Graduation is tomorrow and I'm nervous. I am pacing the apartment in fuzzy Kermit the Frog slippers. Everything is packed up, because I am moving into a new place at the end of the week. My internship officially ended yesterday and I was interviewed for a full time position. I won't find out until after graduation whether or not I have been hired.

Out of desperation for something to do, I call Clark.

"Hello?"

"Hey Clark, its Abra. Are you doing anything overly important right now?" I stop pacing for a moment and nibble on one of my nails.

"Just finishing up grading finals. Why?"

"Do you want to grab a bite to eat with me and then maybe go fly a kite or two?" I cross my fingers, I really need to get out of here or I'm going to go crazy.

"Nerves kicking in?" He laughs.

"Maybe a little." I say, laughing too.

"Give me an hour and I'll meet you at 'The Wilford and Brimley.' Okay?"

"Perfect," I say. "I'll meet you there."

I throw on a t-shirt and jean cut-off shorts. I change my fuzzy Kermit slippers for some sparkly pink flip-flops, grab my keys, grab the kites and head out the door. On my way to "The Wilford and Brimley" I call Noah.

"Noah here." He says. He sounds slightly annoyed.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I can't get this painting to turn out right, that's all. What are you up to?"

"I'm headed to 'The Wilford and Brimley' to grab a bite to eat with Clark. Do you want to come along?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I have to finish this painting or it will bug me for the rest of the night. As it is, it's going to bug me anyway. Have fun though."

"Good luck." I say and we hang up.

I arrive before Clark, so I order some onion rings and fries to munch on while I wait. I don't wait long for him, however, and he shows up before the onion rings.

"What's up, Abe?" We hug and he sits down.

"I'm nervous as hell, that's all." I take a big sip of my root beer.

"Nervous because of graduation, moving or some other reason?" He smiles at me knowingly and I almost spit my drink.

"What do you mean by 'some other reason'?" I pretend that I'm shocked.

"Relationship troubles, possibly?"

"We only just broke up last week. What would make you think there is someone else so soon?"

"I'm not vain enough to believe that you are that broken up about us being over. I also know that you are determined to be wild and crazy since all the bullshit with David. So, 'fess up. What's the matter?"

"Okay, fine. There's this girl. I want to take her on a proper date, but I don't know how. I've only ever been with David and you. David and I never 'dated' per say. And I didn't ask you out, you asked me. I am completely lost as to what to do or how to go about it. Be my Cyrano and help me woo lady fair?" I bat my eyelashes at him, playing around.

"I will have you know, my nose isn't that big." He laughs and I laugh with him. We laugh for a little bit and order some food besides onion rings.

"Seriously though, Clark. I'm pretty sure this is a first for her and I just don't want to mess it up by rushing into it."

He seems to ponder my dilemma for a few minutes. Our food arrives before he answers and we just dig in. Half way through his hamburger, he looks up at me. He chews slowly before taking a long drink of his water. Its like he is doing this on purpose to keep me on pins and needles.

"Well?" I say, prompting him to speak.

"Have you thought about taking her to fly kites on the beach?"

I pause and look at him. He seems to be serious, but I can't believe he would want me to do that with anyone else. That is something I've not even done with Noah or my family. I consider that to be almost like our sex life, something to be treasured, not spread around.

"No, I hadn't. That is our memory, Clark. I don't want to share that with someone that I can't guarantee I'll be friends with later. Its one thing to fly kites with you, I don't want to do that with a girl I think I want to date."

"I didn't necessarily mean glow stick kite flying, like we do. Just regular kite flying, during the day, like normal people. Though, I'm touched that you don't want to share glow stick kite flying with everyone." He takes my hand and we hold like that for a little while. He isn't my lover anymore, but I enjoy these moments of close companionship.

"When do you want this 'date' to happen?" He asks.

"I don't know. After graduation, after the move, after I find out if I got the job with the firm or not. After all the other obstacles are out of the way, I guess."

"You have time to think about it then. Take her somewhere nice, maybe for dinner. Maybe just for a walk. Just be yourself. Do what feels right and everything will be fine. In the meantime, you should get back home and try to get some rest. You have a big day tomorrow."

"I thought we might go fly kites for just a little bit, if you aren't in a hurry to get back to grading. Are you coming tomorrow?"

"Of course I'll be there tomorrow. I wouldn't miss it for the world. As to flying kites tonight, I suppose it won't hurt anything for my grading to wait just a little longer." We smile at each other, pay our bills and then hop in his car. As he drives I think about what tomorrow holds and what I might want to do with Jahan. Its so crazy to be single and trying to navigate the dating world.

We get to the beach and set up our kites. We set them soaring against the darkening sky, glowing like falling stars. We sit in the sand and watch the kites dance for a while. I should be going home soon. I need to sleep so I can do well at graduation tomorrow. This is going to be one of the biggest days of my life and I have to be prepared. I rest my head on Clark's shoulder and watch the water lapping at our feet.

I must've fallen asleep there, amidst the lapping of the water and dancing of the kites, because the next thing I know I am at home, tucked into bed. The kites are propped up on the dresser and Snuggles is purring next to my head. I smile, sleepily, imagining the trouble Clark must've had to get me home and in bed. I close my eyes and I swim off into a world of dreams.

At graduation, I am even more nervous. I look over the crowd of caps and gowns, people I have befriended and gone to class with. I look over the crowd of well-wishers and parents. I feel like I'm going to throw up as I walk up to the podium.

"We have all realized a dream today. A dream of achieving a higher education. A dream of going further than we have before. Today is the day that we can stand tall and pat ourselves on the back for the hard work and dedication it has taken to get here. Some of us have double majored or even triple majored. Some of us have worked a regular job and an internship while still going to class. Some of us have given up things to get to where we stand today. Be proud of yourselves today. Because today we have done what we strove to do. Today we have accomplished what we have cried and sweat for. Today, we are the graduating class!"

There is cheering as we are pronounced the graduating class of this year. We throw our caps into the air, crying and hugging one another. After the ceremony I am greeted by my entire family, Noah and Clark. There are pictures taken and hugs given. We all go to Mom's house for a "graduation celebration" and we stuff ourselves silly.

Later, as I am lounging on the porch wistfully daydreaming, Clark comes up and hugs me. He kisses me on the cheek before heading home. Mom comes out and sits beside me. We watch him walk to his car. I sigh, still wistful.

"Did you like him, Abra?" my mother asks.

"I liked him, Mom. But not enough to give my heart to him."

She is quiet and I am thoughtful. She smiles at me and then hugs me tightly before we both head back in to the party. We laugh, eat and dance around the house until the wee small hours of the morning. When it is over, I fall asleep on Mom's couch reliving my moment in the proverbial sun.

When I get home there is a message on my answering machine from the accounting firm. I am hesitant as I press play. It is to tell me that I got the job that I had been hoping for. I scream and cry and dance around my living room, replaying the message twice. The cat meows at me, looking at me quizzically. I call my mother to tell her, then I call Noah and then I call Clark. With each re-telling of my triumph I get more excited. I jump around the apartment, crying out to the ceiling that I have done it.

I have stop when a downstairs neighbor begins banging on my door telling me to shut up. Not even that, however, can still my enthusiasm. Now all I have to do is move out of this memory of David and into a new memory. And ask Jahan out.

Moving proves to be less stressful than giving my speech at graduation. With Kevin and Brad's help I am moved out of my old place and into the new within a few hours. The only thing to do is turn in my key to the landlord.

When I go to the office to turn in my key the landlord surprises me with a small package. I open it to discover my engagement ring. I had forgotten all about David returning it. I thanked her for holding it for me and gave her my key. I had hoped to leave all my memories here, but I see that there are some things that will not stay behind. For a moment I am tempted to throw it as hard and as far as I can. Something keeps me from doing that and, instead, I put it in the glove compartment of my car.

I refuse to let anything bring me down and when I get to my new apartment I begin to whistle merrily while I unpack. As soon as there is some semblance of order I will ask Jahan out. I have figured all the details out and I have the whole evening planned. It all relies on me asking.

A few days after I have settled in, I go for a walk on campus. I vaguely know Jahan's schedule, so I wait in the common area for her. I have written a flirty note to her, asking her to meet me on the beach for a moonlit swim and picnic dinner. It hints at things that may happen after.

I happen to see her, hurrying toward the Theology building, so I hurry to catch up. I don't say a word, but slip her the note and give her a hug before sprinting back toward my car. All that is left is to wait for her at the beach.

At home I, briskly, pack up a picnic dinner and a blanket. Once I finish packing everything up, I find my swimsuit, a few towels and t-shirt. I stop then. Does she even have a bathing suit? I hadn't thought about that before now. I pack an extra swimsuit, just in case. Before I lose my nerve to follow through, I head out to my car. I drive slowly to the beach, hoping that this will still my erratically beating heart. It doesn't, but one can always dream.

When I arrive I lay everything out on the sand and change into my swimsuit. I have just enough time to do this before I see her coming down the stairs from the parking area.

Since it is dark, she doesn't hesitate to take off the niqab and kiss me passionately. We kiss for a short while, before she presses something into my hand. It is a small note. Inside, in elegant handwriting, is a short poem written by her namesake Jahan Khatun.

"I have no idea how long I should wait for you or to strive
But I know that is now the time that my luck must finally arrive
This long shirt seems to be as a veil between you and me
I do not know if it is wrong or right
But if you could hold me tight
That veil would no longer be in sight!"

The sweetness and sensuality of this small poem sparks a small fire in my blood. I kiss her again, more passionately and we collapse on the blanket, entangled. Before we go too far, I stop her.

"We should eat first." I say, smiling. I know that she is eager and still frustrated from our last encounter. She moans and tugs at my swimsuit bottom.

"Not that kind of eating!" I giggle, playfully batting her hands away. We eat a little, talking quietly and enjoying the peace of the silent beach. We don't wait long before we begin to swim, just for a little bit. The longer we wait, I assure her, the sweeter everything will be. We swim for an hour or two before dragging ourselves out of the water and drying off. I have her follow me to my apartment in her brother's car.

Once at the apartment, I barely have time to unlock the door before we are inside and practically ripping her clothes off in our haste. Once she is down to her lacy panties and bra,  I stop.

"What's the matter?" she asks, breathily.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I ask, nuzzling her neck and letting my hand wander up her thigh.

"Yes," she moans and pushes her hips toward my hand. I unhook her bra and then, gently, I hook my thumbs on her panties and slowly pull them down. Once she is completely undressed I take her hand and lead her into my room. I have her lie down and I begin to kiss her again. I kiss her all over, my lips traversing across the wonderland of her body. She moans and pulls at my clothes.

I oblige her by undressing and I lie down next to her. One of my hands wanders up and down her silky soft skin, caressing here and grazing there.

Down into this sexual abyss, I have come to love, we go. For her first time Jahan receives the very best I have to offer. And, when her finale hits, I kiss her breathless and bring her over again.

When I wake up the next morning, I feel a rush of pleasure at seeing Jahan curled in my arms. I brush a stray curl aside and smile warmly. She is so beautiful. More beautiful than I ever imagined she could be. I wish I could see her like this all the time.

What will life be like for her? She can't hide who she is forever. She is too wild and free to be a hypocritical atheist forever. If found out, her family will disown her. She will lose her Muslim friends as well. She will lose everything dear to her. I don't want her to lose all of that for me. I don't want to be the cause of that grief and separation.

Have I pulled the goddess too far away from heaven? Have I torn her off of her pedestal and exposed her to a world that will never understand her? I have given the mermaid her legs, but have I stolen her voice?

A wave of guilt crashes over me. I hadn't taken any of these things into consideration before I seduced her. I had only thought of the mutual pleasure we would receive from this.

She stirs. Her gold flecked eyelashes flutter against her creamy skin. She smiles a sleepy smile.

"I love you." she murmurs.

Another surge of guilt washes over me. I hope that she is drowsy enough that she won't notice if I don't say "I love you" back. Instead, I kiss her forehead and hold her close. I think I have made a serious mistake. This was the wrong thing to do. In my thoughtlessness have I ruined her life?