Chapter Eleven: Finding the Wicked Bitch of the West
After they had helped Trent feed the exotic animals, and Sarai almost got eaten by the lesbian tiger (and not in a good way mind you), Trent kept his promise and gave them food and a place to sleep. The next morning, he gave them a good meal and a map to the Bitch’s castle. Wishing them good luck he gently shoved them out the door and into the Forest of Screeching Fan-girls.
“How far does the map say the castle is from here?” whispered Pomme, clinging to Gackt’s arm.
“Um, a long ways. Dude, I don’t even friggin’ know how to read a map!” exclaimed Sarai, shoving the map at Yo.
“It says we are about 15 miles from the castle. That’s not far.”
“Oh my god, my feet are going to fall off, I swear.” Cried Pomme.
“Do you suppose the fan-girls will come out and devour our souls?” asked Miyavi, shaking a little as he aimed his shovel.
“Fan-girls don’t eat souls, silly. They’ll just kiss you until you die of dehydration. It’s a bit messy though. Dehydration that is, kissing is nice.” Replied Sarai, pushing the shovel back down to Miyavi’s side.
“They are right where I want them.” Whispered Twink to Hiroto. She looked again into the crystal triangle, then pressed her “Meat is Murder” button.
Immediately a horde of flying platypi filled the sky, robotic arms affixed to their bodies so that they could grasp and carry things. Hiroto prepared his miniature flying contraption and awaited his orders.
“Bring me the girls, do what you like with the others, but make sure the girls are brought to me alive. I need them alive so I can get the shoes off intact. Now fly, FLY!”
With a loud woosh, the horde of platypi took off, following the lead of their leader, Hiroto the flying chipmunk.
Meanwhile, the group had stopped for a break, snacking on some of the food Trent had packed for them. The sky above them began to darken as it filled with screaming platypi.
“Oh shit, not again!” screamed Pomme.
“Save Pomme, she has the shoes!” cried Sarai, pushing Gackt and Yo toward Pomme and grabbing Miyavi’s shovel. She began to swing the shovel back and forth so as to hit the platypi, but was quickly overwhelmed and swept up by big robotic arms.
“Sarai!” screamed Pomme, trying to escape the guys’ arms to try and rescue her friend.
Quickly the swarm was upon them, clawing and tearing the men off of Pomme and dragging her up into the sky. Just as quickly hordes of screaming fan-girls came rushing out of the forest to help the platypi, dragging the men to their nests buried deep in the darkness.
“No!” cried Pomme. “Guys! Oh god, I’m afraid of heights! Oh god, oh god!” And with that, she was swept away with Sarai to the Wicked Bitch’s Castle.
Once they arrived at the castle they were immediately taken into custody by the Bitch’s loyal fan-girls. They separated Sarai and Pomme, shoving Sarai into a large wicker coffin and Pomme into a dismal dungeon.
With a flash of stupidity and sexually transmitted disease, Twink appeared to Pomme.
“So, my pretty, you want to give me those shoes now?” she said, munching on some half cooked steak.
“First of all, that is disgusting. Secondly, hell no. What have you done with my Sarai?”
“Oh, she’ll be fine, as long as you give me the shoes. If you don’t, I’ll have her and her wicker coffin thrown into the river to drown. So, what will it be? Living Sarai or Dead Sarai?”
“That’s not fair!” screamed Pomme. “You can’t kill a living being over a pair of shoes!”
“Oh, but I can! And I will if you don’t hand them over.” Twink made a signal for Sarai in her wicker coffin to be brought into the room.
“Don’t do it Pomme! Don’t give her the shoes. hide told you that they were magical, don’t take them off!” screamed Sarai, fighting against the wicker.
“But she’ll kill you!” cried Pomme, fighting back tears and the urge to rip those, now, hateful shoes off of her feet. “Take the shoes, just don’t kill my Toto!”
“I AM NOT YOUR TOTO!” screamed Sarai, tearing at the wicker with her non-existent nails.
“Good, good.” Exclaimed Twink, but as she reached for the shoes a guitar chord played causing her to be flung back in shock.
“I’m sorry!” cried Pomme. “It wasn’t my fault, I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt Sarai!”
Recovering from her shock, Twink turned to the fan-girls.
“Take her and drown her in the river.”
Just as she proclaimed Sarai’s death sentence, Sarai broke through the wicker and ran. Running with all of her might she fled the castle and found her way back to the forest of screaming fan-girls.
“Gackt? Miyavi? Yo? Anyone who isn’t a psychotic fan-girl who will tear me limb from limb?” whispered Sarai. In the darkness she heard a low moan coming from under a pile of brush.
Underneath the pile was Miyavi, one straw arm dangling helplessly at his side. A few feet away was Yo, draped over a tree branch, some blood on his face and a couple of yards from them was Gackt, tied to a tree.
“Oh my god! What did they do to you?!” cried Sarai, running to help her friends.
“Well they thought that since I was only made of straw it wouldn’t hurt anything to tear me apart!” cried Miyavi, clumsily standing and trying to fix his arm.
“They decided that because I was only a lion I didn’t matter and they left me to be eaten by the flying platypi.” Said Yo, finding enough strength to remove himself from the tree’s woody embrace and stumble over to help Miyavi with his arm.
“They apparently decided that I would be a sacrifice to their goddess’ lusts and tied me here so I wouldn’t escape.” Said Gackt as Sarai began to untie him.
“Twink has Pomme and I don’t know what will happen if we don’t get there in time. We have to hurry.” And with great urgency the group took off toward Twink’s castle to rescue their beloved Pomegranate.
After they had helped Trent feed the exotic animals, and Sarai almost got eaten by the lesbian tiger (and not in a good way mind you), Trent kept his promise and gave them food and a place to sleep. The next morning, he gave them a good meal and a map to the Bitch’s castle. Wishing them good luck he gently shoved them out the door and into the Forest of Screeching Fan-girls.
“How far does the map say the castle is from here?” whispered Pomme, clinging to Gackt’s arm.
“Um, a long ways. Dude, I don’t even friggin’ know how to read a map!” exclaimed Sarai, shoving the map at Yo.
“It says we are about 15 miles from the castle. That’s not far.”
“Oh my god, my feet are going to fall off, I swear.” Cried Pomme.
“Do you suppose the fan-girls will come out and devour our souls?” asked Miyavi, shaking a little as he aimed his shovel.
“Fan-girls don’t eat souls, silly. They’ll just kiss you until you die of dehydration. It’s a bit messy though. Dehydration that is, kissing is nice.” Replied Sarai, pushing the shovel back down to Miyavi’s side.
“They are right where I want them.” Whispered Twink to Hiroto. She looked again into the crystal triangle, then pressed her “Meat is Murder” button.
Immediately a horde of flying platypi filled the sky, robotic arms affixed to their bodies so that they could grasp and carry things. Hiroto prepared his miniature flying contraption and awaited his orders.
“Bring me the girls, do what you like with the others, but make sure the girls are brought to me alive. I need them alive so I can get the shoes off intact. Now fly, FLY!”
With a loud woosh, the horde of platypi took off, following the lead of their leader, Hiroto the flying chipmunk.
Meanwhile, the group had stopped for a break, snacking on some of the food Trent had packed for them. The sky above them began to darken as it filled with screaming platypi.
“Oh shit, not again!” screamed Pomme.
“Save Pomme, she has the shoes!” cried Sarai, pushing Gackt and Yo toward Pomme and grabbing Miyavi’s shovel. She began to swing the shovel back and forth so as to hit the platypi, but was quickly overwhelmed and swept up by big robotic arms.
“Sarai!” screamed Pomme, trying to escape the guys’ arms to try and rescue her friend.
Quickly the swarm was upon them, clawing and tearing the men off of Pomme and dragging her up into the sky. Just as quickly hordes of screaming fan-girls came rushing out of the forest to help the platypi, dragging the men to their nests buried deep in the darkness.
“No!” cried Pomme. “Guys! Oh god, I’m afraid of heights! Oh god, oh god!” And with that, she was swept away with Sarai to the Wicked Bitch’s Castle.
Once they arrived at the castle they were immediately taken into custody by the Bitch’s loyal fan-girls. They separated Sarai and Pomme, shoving Sarai into a large wicker coffin and Pomme into a dismal dungeon.
With a flash of stupidity and sexually transmitted disease, Twink appeared to Pomme.
“So, my pretty, you want to give me those shoes now?” she said, munching on some half cooked steak.
“First of all, that is disgusting. Secondly, hell no. What have you done with my Sarai?”
“Oh, she’ll be fine, as long as you give me the shoes. If you don’t, I’ll have her and her wicker coffin thrown into the river to drown. So, what will it be? Living Sarai or Dead Sarai?”
“That’s not fair!” screamed Pomme. “You can’t kill a living being over a pair of shoes!”
“Oh, but I can! And I will if you don’t hand them over.” Twink made a signal for Sarai in her wicker coffin to be brought into the room.
“Don’t do it Pomme! Don’t give her the shoes. hide told you that they were magical, don’t take them off!” screamed Sarai, fighting against the wicker.
“But she’ll kill you!” cried Pomme, fighting back tears and the urge to rip those, now, hateful shoes off of her feet. “Take the shoes, just don’t kill my Toto!”
“I AM NOT YOUR TOTO!” screamed Sarai, tearing at the wicker with her non-existent nails.
“Good, good.” Exclaimed Twink, but as she reached for the shoes a guitar chord played causing her to be flung back in shock.
“I’m sorry!” cried Pomme. “It wasn’t my fault, I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt Sarai!”
Recovering from her shock, Twink turned to the fan-girls.
“Take her and drown her in the river.”
Just as she proclaimed Sarai’s death sentence, Sarai broke through the wicker and ran. Running with all of her might she fled the castle and found her way back to the forest of screaming fan-girls.
“Gackt? Miyavi? Yo? Anyone who isn’t a psychotic fan-girl who will tear me limb from limb?” whispered Sarai. In the darkness she heard a low moan coming from under a pile of brush.
Underneath the pile was Miyavi, one straw arm dangling helplessly at his side. A few feet away was Yo, draped over a tree branch, some blood on his face and a couple of yards from them was Gackt, tied to a tree.
“Oh my god! What did they do to you?!” cried Sarai, running to help her friends.
“Well they thought that since I was only made of straw it wouldn’t hurt anything to tear me apart!” cried Miyavi, clumsily standing and trying to fix his arm.
“They decided that because I was only a lion I didn’t matter and they left me to be eaten by the flying platypi.” Said Yo, finding enough strength to remove himself from the tree’s woody embrace and stumble over to help Miyavi with his arm.
“They apparently decided that I would be a sacrifice to their goddess’ lusts and tied me here so I wouldn’t escape.” Said Gackt as Sarai began to untie him.
“Twink has Pomme and I don’t know what will happen if we don’t get there in time. We have to hurry.” And with great urgency the group took off toward Twink’s castle to rescue their beloved Pomegranate.
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